Questions and Answers

It's good to talk. I mean REALLY, REALLY talk sometimes.
Although, sometimes, it has odd consequinces.

You see, last weekend, my mother, my boyfriend and I spend some time together at my family's summer cottage. It went well except for one thing: my mothers conversation style. I'm used to it (although I don't think that she had a pause in her monologue during the whole drive from Viitasaari city centre to our summer cottage nor from Viitasaari to Jyväskylä), my boyfriend has a problem with it.

So, yesterday evening my boyfriend and I talked about it. We ended up talking about my life and childhood in general and I, for some reason, told him how much it had hurted me that I was not invited to stay over night at his sisters' as it brought back sad memories from my childhood and it all came back to the same questions, which have haunted me my whole life: why I am not wanted? Why I'm not enough?

And, deep down, the answer to both questions lie in the very same place: my mother. I have no idea what took place in my childhood... what was so bad that I feel that my mother never wanted me? And how she always made me feel that no matter what kind I am and what I do, I'm not ever enough for her as who I am?

When mum asked me at the summer cottage that do I have issues I haven't dealed with her, I said that I do. But she asked me to bring them up, but I just couldn't. Not there and then, no. It was the wrong place and the wrong moment. I need to feel comfortable to share what I feel and during that moment I didn't feel that way. But I know that I have to talk to her about these questions I have before it's too late. I just don't know when, where or how. I just have to... Maybe I'll just write her a letter one of these days.

When I saw this nice employment counsillor about my opportunities, she told me among other things, that I need to find "ready-made" answers. That I'd want somebody else magically pass me some answers about my life. Answers, which nobody can give me. Actually, she was wrong. I didn't want that; although it would have been simple. I just wanted someone to give me a clue...

But these days I've found that answer. It was inside of me.

I read that the likes of me should meditate for answers. Well, I've been planning to take that up, so what else do I need?

Maybe today or maybe tonight we'll find the answer to our lives...

Rain, rain, rain

Here I am, sitting on a red chair in my tiny room, feeling calm, relaxed and happy.

I'm not ready to go to sleep just yet.

I'm smiling and listening to the rain. I love the sound I'm hearing; the touch of raindrops on my window... It sounds so romantic! I wish my boyfriend would be here, listening to the sound of the fall rain with me. Rain, rain, rain. It sounds so nice.

I have lots of nice memories from the moments like this. Sitting on a chair, lying on a bed, just listening to the rain, just rain, with no thunder involved, and not thinking about that much. Just listening, connecting, letting the sound of the raindrops wash over me.

The calmness of it all is empowering, and well, bit seductive.

Rain, rain, rain, on a calm fall night. I love it.

Open heart

Yesterday evening I went to an emotional journey.

Didn't plan to, didn't pack for it, but I did make a lot of notes. And I understood a thing and two about my life and the things I want to achieve in future. And, this time, I also wrote few of them down. It's sort of "To Do"- list for 2006-2007. I plan to keep on writing that list down, every day, until they materialize.

During my few hour journey to emations, dreams and plans, I understood also, that I love my boyfriend more than before. It's hard to describe what I mean, but I felt connected, loved, cared. It felt great. And when I checked my emails later on, he wrote the most beautiful email to me.

And he sent me a pic of a beautiful flower he had brought the the day before. That gesture alone was romantic and tender, and getting that picture made the gesture even more special.
I found out today that one of my ch.com pals is getting married in August 2007. Wonderful news! I'm excited for her.

Life feels great right now. I've found the sparkle back to my dissertation and I have loads of ideas. Now let's hope that my tutor decides to support me with them... But I'll worry about that some other day.

Calm evening moment

Wow. What a day... in a good sense this time!

I got around to MySpace thing today. I'm sandierocks in there, because some ladd from Texas had already taken Sandie99 for reason that I have no idea... But I kind of like it. Empowering title! Now I have subscribed many of my ch.com pals' blogs! And lots of entries to read...

Well, it was one warm, sunny day again. Luckily for me, no shadows, no hits. So, when I met my boyfriend at 2pm and hang around with him at the service park area, waiting for the rally drivers to arrive, I enjoyed fully the experience - and company. =)

We walked around the busy area, watched car exhibitons, saw a new energy drink on sale (XTC, which is available online) and I took 4 pics of my boyfriend next to his dream car, a jaguar (although he said that he did not want a blue one, but green). Then we walked as close as we could get to the podium, waiting for the drivers. And we saw the award ceremony! It was neat to watch Markus Grönholm & co on the podium, celebrating 6th Neste Oil Rally Finland victory. It's always great to see a Finn win.

Then I met the Guys. 3 guys my boyfriend got to know while he was studying. One of them was very HIGH, 190cm (we really should have taken a pic of me standing next to him - at 145cm tall I'm TINY). He reminded me of my father's best friend; the other guy was funny and kind and the third... well, bit tired today, but he reminded me of my dear pals's ex. But they all seemed a bunch of nice guys. But if I'm honest, if somebody would have asked me to pick one of them for boyfriend's best pal, I would have chosen exactly the same man he considers to be one of his best friends of all time.

It was kind of nice to put a face to more names. I know pretty much all of my boyfriends' relatives and friends, which is quite rare. I have lots of cathing up to do with my family... but then again, it' s rare that there has bee so many family gatherings which made all the introductions possible so quickly. When we go to Helsinki the next time, I'm 100 per cent sure that my aunt and 5 cousins will want to meet him. And my uncle's family and 2 family friend families and neighours... ;-) But he's good at talking with all kind of people, so no problems there.

The day was warm, but the evening is nicely cool and, well, calm. I can see beautiful blue sky with few white clouds when I look outside. It's fantastic. No swallows this time, though. Just calmness of the evening... I actually plan to go outside and sit on the red chair for a while. It's relaxing and nearly meditating experience! And fits like a glow to end this day. All the buzzing and roaring of the cars is gone and left is just calm... Perfect.

It's MY time, My time!

Yesterday evening I took thing easy.

My boyfriend was busy watching rally with his pals. My pals and mum are 280 kilometers away, doing whatever. I had time on my hands. Free time. MY TIME!

God, how I enjoyed it. I had tuna pizza and I made some popcorn. I watched few episodes of Will and Grace and laughed whole-heartedly. I watched Survivor and Frasier. I read some books. I listened to Sara Evens. I HAD A BLAST! =)

It was funny... for a moment there I was tired. I had just walked for 5 hours, looking for gifts for my friends (birthdays, graduation present) and better walking shoes for myself. I felt like falling asleep... But once understood that I had this precious "ME"- time to "waste", I could feel the energy rush. And once I got to the song no 3 on Sara Evans Real Good Place cd, I was feeling fine.

I had great time with my self. I did everything I enjoy the most when I'm with my own company. Me time.

What a day...!

There are plenty of those neutral days, which come and go and will be forgotten just like that.

Well, today certainly is NOT one of those!
You see, I woke up early this morning. I had not been up even for an hour when shadows came to mess up my head. It's ok, got rid of those.

I left to run my errans. During the time I was out I got hit. TWICE!
To make things worse, I had absolutely NOTHING with me. I rushed into the nearest store and got Vicks Red Energy tablets. But they, too, help when it's about shadows, so when I had a full-blown hit in my head, those tablets didn't help.

The shadows this morning left me bit confused. I forgot to return the empty cans to the store I was supposed to and I didn't take my digital camera's memory card to Anttila yet... But it's okay. I kept my spirits up and that is more important in my book.

There has been rain, clowdy and sunny moments. And when I was watching TV and checking my emails, there was one single BANG! and so the thunder arrived. I got scared, turned TV and computer off and hoped for the best. But, because I'm writing this, it all went well...

Now, there has been happy moments during the day, too. When I went to the library, I found various interesting media books. With some luck I can use parts of all of them in my dissertation! And when I went to the university's library, I found 2 magazines and a book about internet they were getting rid of all together, so I got them for free! Yahoo! =)

I also met my boyfriend. We met during his lunch break. Luckily for us, we met during one of those sunny moments, so we went to a hill nearby, sat on a bench and talked while he had his lunch. It was fun.

So, when I look back at this Friday, I have no idea what to think about it. If I had to rate it, I'm not sure what number I'd pick. 8 perhaps... Not sure.

I feel stronger, better and quite happy right now. I suppose mind wants to forget the unhappy moments and simply highlight the nice, wonderful and joyful ones! I have nothing against that.

The sun is shining warmly outside. It's a beautiful night.

Days of my Rally

For a few days now there has been these green & blue flags with text "Welcome to Neste Oil Rally Finland". And finally, this week, the rally has arrived to Middle-Finland and Jyväskylä.

Cars arrived yesterday, but all the action begins today. And tomorrow afternoon my boyfriend's mates arrive to Jyväskylä to meet him, me and most of all, enjoy the rally!

Now, I have been watching the rally ON TV since I was a kid. Many times our trip back home from summer cottage altered a bit because of the rally cars. But I have never been as close to the rally as I am now. I could actually HEAR some of the cars roaming already! Yet the rally itself begins tonight at 8pm. And the first race will take place quite near me at Killeri.

During these next few days the rally is everywhere in this city. You can see it in the traffic, in the people, in the atmosphere, in the posters... You simply cannot miss it. If this year is anything like the last year, I can hear commentators voices from the megaphones when I just simply walk in the city centre...

Now, don't take me wrong. I'm a Finn, so rally/F1/fast cars is in my genes. When our drivers do well, I'm happy. =) Yet I don't find it least a bit tempting to buy a 50 euro rally pass to see it all myself from closeby. If I get bit rally nuts (everything IS possible), I'll simply take my digi and walk down the streets. The cars will pass me by near Paviljonki, their service park area, in some point. And, if the rally bug truly bites me, then I'll buy the 10 euro ticket and visit the service park action areas on both Friday and Saturday... But we'll see.

In some point between watching the rally, I should meet 3 of my boyfriend's friends from his uni days. That's 3 rally enthusiastic men I haven't met yet. But it will be interesting, though.

Now, if somebody wants to know more about the Neste Oil Rally, here's the link to the official website:
http://www.nesteoilrallyfinland.fi/en/

So the heart grows bigger

I am not the same woman I was 8 months ago.

During these months I've been with my boyfriend have taught me a lot about myself, my dreams, my values, about life in general. I've faced several painful discoveries, which have made me stronger, better and, well, more me.

To be honest, if I had met this man few years ago, I don't think that we'd be together. We both were different people then. And while we've been together, I've learned a lot about love and relationships. And I have come across many stories about relationships, which would have made me too scared to fall if I had read them beforehand! ;-)

I knew beforehand, though, that the people we fall in love with, come into our lives for a reason. They make us confront some difficult issues we have been avoiding to face. And if we can do that, our hearts will grow bigger and our love will turn deeper. I feel that's already happened. It's good to feel close to him, in many ways.

When I was wathing TV the other day, I saw people discussing about women, who lose themselves in a relationship. That they become suddenly someone else, someone they thin 'they should be'. In my case, I think I'm turning more into the one I have always wanted to be. I'm finding more courage, more strength, more guts, more me, inside of myself.

That's one of the reasons why I feel so relaxed about ch's possible full return. I simply take it as it comes; if it will show up, it will. I have energy drinks on my fridge and a man who supports me. I've learned to relax more - one lesson he has taught me.

The Questions

There are 5 questions we all should ask ourselves time to time:

When was the last time you laughed?

When was the last time you cried?

What are you looking forward to right now?

What you love?

Are you happy?

Autumn feeling

For a while now I've felt autumn.

It's difficult to explain what I mean exactly. It's a combination of the wind, the scents, the leafs, the nature around me... and the way I feel.

I always have considered myself as a summer person, but I think that it's not true. I have much more spirit, energy and motivation to do things now!

It's good, because I need that energy! With my dissertation on works and ch giving signs, I need lots of motivation to keep on going. But it' s alright. I'm planning more and more arranging my life so that I CAN fly to London to see Helen, Carrie & all the other HelCon people.

Besides, I just dyed my hair red again. That always gives me lots of strength and well, wicked attitude!

Sanna's Day!

Happy nameday to me
Happy nameday to me
Happy nameday to me,
Happy nameday to me!!!

You have to celebrate when you get the chance! ;-)

Every single day is filled with lots of wonderful things to be happy about. So far, 2 text messages from lovedones, one nameday card and one gift to be opened... Yahoo!

Tomorrow my dear friends are coming over to my house to celebrate my nameday and to meet my boyfriend. It's gonna be great!

And what's even better... I get to spend 4 hours in train, just talking to my boyfriend. =)
Oh, I've told before that it's the little things, which make me happy! ;-)

CHit happends

Ok, one sunny day and loads of Ch action.

I went from this afternoon's heavy shadowing into this evening's hit. Great.

Like I've written in the past, I know how to deal with this beast. Grab Red Bull, lots of ice and drink up. Grab 2 caffeine tablets and glass of water, consume them and wait. Few minutes and PF time is back. Naturally, the question is now: for how long?

It's August now, not October, November or March... But the beast has shown before that it pretty much does what it wants. I just hope that tomorrow, when I travel 4 hours in train with my boyfriend, I could travel PF. I will take caffeine tablets and Vicks red energy tablets with me, so I'm prepared in case the devil has decided to show up.

I have stocked up: there's two Red Bull's getting ice cold in my fridge. I have made sure that there's 2 more at mum's fridge (I do recall too well getting hit half and hour before my friends were due to arrive the last time I was hosting a get-together) and one at my boyfriend's. I want to be sure that whenever I get hit, meds are closeby. Knowing that makes dealing with ch hell of a lot easier! If there are problems, the solution is just a short walk away.

Now, I don't mind getting another cycle. I just don't want to turn into chronic again! Hell, that gets to a girl... Hit, after hit, after hit and no idea about when it ends, if the cycle ends. It gets to you on so many levels.

It's great that my boyfriend is also my supporter. He has read lots about ch and I have told him how he can help me when I get hit. Having someone like that in my life is new; my mother, other relatives and friends have not really understood what ch is, what the hits are like and what kind of impact it all has on me. Not that I haven't tried! I have. I've been a sufferer since 2001, but it took this spring's cycle to get mum on the same page with me. When I think about my pals, 3 are sympathetic, the rest just avoid the subject or mention something about knowing what headaches are like... Chey, so do I. I've had HAs since I was 12... But ch is different.

These days I've decided that I give up trying to educate my family and other closeones. My aunt tells me that I "imagine" my pain and hits. Frankly, I WISH that I had that great imagination! Then I could imagine it away, too.

Now I simply do what I need to do and don't even mention about it to anyone. It's waste of time and energy - when ch comes, I need all of my energy to get rid of it! I'm optimitic person, so I don't declare a new cycle yet. If the weekend is filled with hits, well, then it's another story. Right now it's just odd off- cycle hits.

Here's to PF days!

Inspiration needed?

Do not undermine your worth by
Comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different
That each of us is special.

Do not set your goals by what
Other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.

Do not take for granted the things
Closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life,
for without them, life is meaningless.

Do not let your life slip through your fingers
By living in the past nor for the future.
By living your life one day at a time,
You live all the days of your life.

Do not give up when you
Still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the
Moment you stop trying.
It is a fragile thread that
Binds us to each other.

Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances
That we learn how to be brave.

Do not shut love out of your life by
Saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive
Love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love
Is to hold it too tightly;
In addition, the best way to keep
Love is to give it wings.

Do not dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams
Is to be without hope;
To be without hope
Is to be without purpose.

Do not run through life
So fast that you forget
Not only where you have been,
But also where you are going.
Life is not a race,
But a journey to be savored
Each step of the way.

Submitted By: Lady Luv at Ch.com General posts August 9, 2006.

I've published this poem here, because I think that it's incredible. It has hope written all over it. And what makes it even more special is that Lady Luv, Ruth, wrote it while ch is giving her a hard time. Amazing! I want to thank her for giving me permission to post it in here.

LIFE

Lasting
Interesting
Fascinating
Experience

That's how I would define 'life'.
When I was just a kid, I got this brooch with the words:

Living + Life = Learning to live

I've always liked those a lot. =)

Beast came to for a visit

Oh crap... I just got hit! =(

Luckily for me, this time the kip level was not that high, kip 5. But that enough.
I think that it's the heat... Well, it's August now already. The heat should be over soon.

I hope it means also fairfell to these irregular hits. My cycle time is November/October, so I don't like these odds. Being chronic is not fun... I've been there and done that and frankly, I don't want to walk that road again!

Well, I've got caffeine tablets, Red Bulls and Vicks Red Energy- tablets in my cabinets, so in case the beast wants to bug me again, I'm prepared. I can deal with hits... I just don't like it. Who would like pain???

Thought of the Day

Nobody can promise me that my life will always be filled with happy moments.
But nobody can force me to fill my mind with unhappy thoughts either.

Kitchen adventures

The people who use drugs must be out of their minds! I was just making pizza and I had more adventures (save one, though) than any addict could have during illustions.

You see, I had decided to use the 3 chicken drumsticks I had in my fridge for the pizza. I opened the box and placed them on the baking tray. Only to recall that I had forgotten to put some baking paper on the tray first...

I corrected that mistake quickly and begun to make the pizza dough. No adventures there, although I added some rye flour, so the dough is healthier version.

When I looked at my watch, I realised that I had forgotten to check what time I put the drumsticks in the oven... But because I usually cook them for an hour and a half, so no problems.

The funnies moment came when I opened a tiny can of tomato sauce. It practically exploded on my face, the kitchen table and the floor! I looked myself at the mirror and grinned. It's not everyday when I careful gal like myself has tomato sauce all over my cheek, glasses, throat and hair... Too bad that I don't write a sitcom for living! That moment was such a great piece of material for one. ;-)

Now, when the pizza is ready and I'm eating a piece of it, the whole making process with tiny adventures seems very funny. Who said that one can't have fun in the kitchen? And a chef, who has been making goodies for her family and friends for 14 cannot make some tiny errors on the way. After all, there's a first time for everything...

Who wants a slice of pizza???

Small problems are problems anyway

Sometimes I expect that someone sends me a comment:
"don't you have some real problems to deal with?!" or "if you call those problmes, you're lucky!".

The thing is that I've had to deal with loads of issues in the past. Personally, I'm over the moon that the problems I have to deal with these days are what some would call as "small problems". All I see is problems, though.

Sure, it's so much nicer to have just small issues to deal with. It's so much easier to tackle with small things, one by one, than one huge one. But sometimes small things can add up into one huge mess, if you do not deal with them in time. Soon it is hard to see the light at the end of the an tunnel... And I don't want to let things get that far.

So, when I think that there's a problem, I begin to deal with it. Slowly, quickly, patiently, depends on the matter. May all of our problems be little and easy to handle! And may all the solutions come quicker than we could even hope for.

Friends, love & boyfriend

This weekend I'm going to introduce my boyfriend to my "girlclub"; four women who have been my friends since we were 13.

Now, ordinarily, I would be jumping up from joy without hesitation with an event like this ahead of me. Well, now a little cloud is shadowing my happy sky. You see, on the very same day, Saturday 12th, one of my dear friends was supposed to say "I do" to her fiance. Now the wedding is off and I'm bit worried if I'm doing the right thing.

I wanted to introduce my boyfriend on that particular day because of many reasons. One, we had arranged to travel to Helsinki anyway (originally for the wedding of course). Secondly, my name day is on Friday, so we can celebrate that, too. I've traditionally invited my friends over around that time, so we can continue that tradition although I live now 280 kilometers away. Thirdly, now my friend can be around her closest friends and she doesn't have to be alone - I'm aware that spending that day complitely alone could be devastating for her.

But, I'm also aware that it's bit ironic that I'm bringing my love to meet my pals on the very same day my friend was supposed to celebrate hers... Now, I know that she could have simply decline my invitation, but I also know that she's very good at hiding her hurts. The past has shown that.

I want to support my friend, but I also want to introduce my boyfriend in the best terms. It's not simple! But I'm going to do my best to get it right. It's not that easy to travel 280kms all the time and schedules are full now and everybody's going to be even more busy later on when uni starts again. So this IS the time to do it. Naturally I hoped that I could have arranged my pals to meet my boyfriend on happier terms, but that can't happen right now.

Well, I know that I am thinking too much about things sometimes. Maybe that is the case right here also... But like I've written in the past, doing the right thing matters to me. I know that I cannot alter my friend's romantic status (although I know a man who is interested in her), I can make sure that the meeting will take place in as comfortable and relaxed surroundings as possible.

Mum has warned that our front yard will look like a battlefield, though. The renovation works are not done yet...that sould make everyone at ease; you know, walk over a dirty yard should make everyone laugh before they're at my house! Well, at least, I hope so...

OK, I've done my worrying about the situation. Now I'll just concentrade on making a list about the things I need to make a nice evening for everybody and worry about what might come up later on. =)

Quote of the Day

"Determination brings the strength to continue, the steadiness to succeed, and the wisdom to slip past difficulties undisturbed."
(Brahma Kumaris)

Lyrics of the Day

To Be Happy by Sarah Evans

If i had one wish
i would wish for two
for me and you
to be happy

With the way things are
sometimes it gets hard
but we've come so far
to be happy
yeah

I dont think that im complaining
sometimes it keeps on raining
oh but dont be frightened by thunder and lightning
the sun comes out and the flowers grow
and you find you're already on the road
to be happy

If i had one prayer
to pull out of thin air
everyone, everywhere, would be happy
we'd hand out valentines
i'd be yours, you'd be mine
there's a place, there's a time
to be happy

Oh, i dont think that im complaining
sometimes it keeps on raining
oh but dont be frightened by thunder and lightning
the sun comes out and the flowers grow
and you find you're already on the road
to be happy
yeah

We fuss and we fight
we can't see the light
we wake up and decide
we dont need to be right
to be happy

I dont think that im complaining
sometimes it keeps on raining
oh but dont be frightened by thunder and lightning
the sun comes out and the flowers grow
and you find you're already on the road
to be happy

Yeah to be happy

These lyrics seemed to fit my mood just fine, so that's why I added these lyrics to my blog.

Connected to the world

Sometimes when I live my ordinary life, I feel that I'm part of something great.

Something so much bigger than myself. Part of the whole world, the universe. Everyone in the world... It's hard to explain what I mean. Sometimes I get this feeling... a good feeling, which makes me feel connected with it all. Like we're all one; people, places, nature, everything.

I read that the word universum has a special meaning. "Uni" means one and "versum" means song. One song. All together, united, connected. Just one song... I like that.

I once saw add at the underground station in Helsinki, which had the words: I listen to the beat of the universe when I sleep (well, I might have forgotten which way around it was, but you'll get the idea). I liked that a lot, because I feel that we are connected by something greater than one individual.

Ok, maybe I've been reading far too many books about the power of the mind, but still... I believe in the power of the subconcious mind. It plays a part in connecting us all.

One world... I like that.

Prayer of the Day

May There Be Peace Within

May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
(Unknown)

The Real Me

Who I am?
Now there's one basic question for everyone to wonder, think about and answer.

It's one difficult question, because there's no right or wrong answers and there's absolutely no teacher, friend, guru, mentor or divine force to check whether the reply was a correct one. One must rely on oneself. What a challence, I say. Let's meet it head on.

Now, I believe in the power of prayer. I belive in instincts and gut feeling. I believe that my inner voice will guide me if I let it. That's the real me.

I believe that when I keep on making lists and seeing the same dreams coming up again and again that those are the true dreams and future goals. And that they're part of the real me.

The real me... some parts change as the life goes on, but the core... it doesn't. Right now I feel happy, relaxed, serene, feminine. I love growing my hair long (although I believe that I'll dye my hair red again before Christmas). I like myself thin and in good shape. Getting enough of sleep and eating right suits me. Spending lots of time outdoors is good for me. Writing things down is good for me.

In fact, I love the person I've become.

The real me has dreams which have stayed with me for a quite a while. I dream about pretty ordinary things; getting my MA done, getting a job and career started, getting married, having children, living in a nice place with my family, having guinea pigs, taking long walks in my garden, having cherry/apple/plum trees in my garden and loads of berries (black currants, strawberries, rasberries & gooseberries), travelling across the USA, writing bestseller novels...

It's funny. If you would have asked me few years ago I would have said that I'm a business chick with a family on the side. Now I'd say that I'm a family woman, who has a career in doing what she loves and enjoys the most. This option feels better. It feels right. It feels... the real me.

Sure, time and people change. Who knows where I am this time next year! But I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking at the future with optimism and a wide smile. I can't wait for all the great things to happen!!!!!

O Happy Day

When I woke up this morning, did my morning work out, had my breakfast, went to the city to run some errans, I did not expect that title to appear on today's entry.

Actually, I was pretty sure that it would be something like "Oh my head", because I had this weird pressuring pain on my forehead. Luckily it vanished as I did what I had planned to do. And in the afternoon I had so much energy that I coudn't believe it!

Yup, I went for extra walk, cleaned my room, made some pancakes, did extra workout, changed my sheets, washed some laundry... Pure, natural energy. It was fantastic! =)

Now if I only could save some of that energy and excitement for those days when nothing seems to turn out right and I'm tired, irritated, sad and restless. That would be great. But perhaps I can just recall that I managed to change the course of the day today and try that again then...
Who knows, it could work! =)

All I know is that the sun is shining warmly outside, I have lots of fresh berries in the fridge and good book waiting...

Quote of the Day - No 2

"It may be those who do most, dream most."
(Stephen Leacock)

Just thinking

I see I've been writing longer entries lately. Well, I might as well. Who knows how long that lasts, lol.

This morning I read all the newspapers at my uncles'. One of them has a long story about a family where all the women have had their first child as teenagers; 15, 16, 17, 18. As I read that upbeat story, I understood that now, at 26, I have pretty much all the important qualities that one needs to have to become a good mother.

Now, those who read this and wonder if I've catched baby fever, the answer is no. But it was interesting discovery anyway.

During those moments I had to think about motherhood I thought that I was too young, too unprepared, too perfectionist... Now I've realised how different combinations make great mums. Love, affection, time, caring, optimismism, relaxed attitude matter the most.

But I trust that there's time for everything.

What time it is for me, then?
Well, the time to stop being afraid. Fear of losing, fear of not doing things well enough, fear of getting another ch hit and cycle... and many other things I've been afraid. Fear is waste of time when it's about fear of something which might happen but it's not happening right now. Fear can help and protect you, but it can also hold you back.

So, I've made a promise to myself.
I don't worry about things I don't have a say in. I don't worry about things which have not taken place. I don't worry about ch.

I WILL handle things as they occur. I WILL finish my dissertation and I WILL get a job as a journalist/writer - and I've achieved both of those goals this time next year.

I WILL live my life and see what happends.

If I'm not mistaken, it has been said that God helps those who help themselves. And it's about time I'll help myself.

Quote of the Day

"It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are."
(E. E. Cummings)

Brothers, uncles and memories

So I'm back from weekend's travelling.

I decided that it was important for me to meet my boyfriend's brother (and what a witty, joyful man he is!) and visit my uncles. Luckily, my boyfriend understood the importance of visiting my uncles.

So, I met my boyfriend's brother and saw my uncles on Saturday and Sunday. Although I would have wanted to spend little more time chatting to Kari, my boyfriend's brother, it was precious to visit mum's childhood home once again (the last visit was last summer).

When we arrived to Rantala, it turned out that there's mum's third youngest brother and his wife as well! So I got to meet 3 uncles instead of 2 and one aunt. I haven't seen that uncle and his wife in few years time, so it was great.

Mum's oldest brother, Eero, is 72. He's going to hospital on Monday. His doctor wants to do some blood circulation tests before the operation. Once again my uncle knows that the operation has its risks; he can be paralyzed...

It turned out that Yrjö, the youngest of those uncles present, is going to surgery later this year as well. His back will be operated as well. In his case the risks are not as high, but he has suffered from health problems all his life and I don't even recall how many operations he has had.

Luckily Tauno, the second oldest uncle, 71, is doing better. He's blood pressure is as good as athlete's (his doc's words) and he has got his spark back. It was great to see. I do hope that he stays that way! At his age... nobody knows.

Mum has 9 siblings, 8 of them still with us. Mum has 5 brothers and 3 sisters. While we were at Rantala, there was news about third oldest sibling, uncle Seppo. He was in car accident early this year and he just was in another reparation operation for his leg. Apparently, the doctors had said that he can expect anything between a year and year and a helf before his leg will get better. Not a small thing.

There are lots of berry bushes at Rantala. My uncles persuaded me to pick some berries and I sure did. I came home with 5 litres of black and red currants! And some rhubarb, which Tauno said that they do not need.

It was good to see Rantala once again. I've seen that red house many times and I hope to see it many more, too. I also took a little walk at the old cowshed barn and mill... and took pictures. It was a small walk down the memory lane also. I don't even know how many summer mornings I woke up early to accompany my cousins and uncle Eero at the cowshed to feed the cows and calves... and swam at the beach...and walked at the grounds, picking flowers and admiring the amazing sunsets. Wonderful, wonderful times.

Going on a guilt trip...?

Now I'm the kinda gal who rarely changes her mind once I've made my plans.

But, today, I find myself torn between the two choises again. To stay here with my boyfriend's family or to visit my own?

I had already decided that I'm going to stay here and be with my boyfriend's family. But then mum came over and mentioned that I'm making a mistake. Why? Because my oldest uncle is going to a surgery soon and nobody knows if he'll make it alive.

Now, if that would be all, I'd say that mum is putting me on a guilt trip. But the thing is that I'm not 100 per cent sure if I'm complitely welcome to my boyfriend's sister's house later on tomorrow evening, which has been part of my hesitation all along. I cannot stay the night there for a fact, which tells me that I should not go there at all - it's a family gathering and I'm not part of her family yet. I'm family to my boyfriend, but that's just not the same.

Well, now I have to figure out what I want in this mess! Because I DO want to be there for my boyfriend when he needs me. But I DO want to see my uncle before it's too late (he is 72 and the other uncle is 71 and both have problems with their health).

Let's face it, I can't be in both places on the same time. The only way I can do it is to leave at 11.45 bus to Viitasaari, meet mum and then drive to Tervo to meet my uncles with her.

I'm well aware that this situation is nothing in comparison with the Middle East situation, but this is one minefield for sure. I feel that I cannot win in this thing! No matter what I do SOMEONE is upset.

Still obsessed with doing the right thing... I know. I just wish that I would somehow know what that is in this thing.

Torn between a rock and a hard place

There are moments in life when you have a difficult decision to make.

Sometimes you have to decide between two good schools or jobs. Sometimes you have to decide to fight for love or to go on. Sometimes you have to decide between a surgery or medication, life of death.

And sometimes, like this evening, I have to decide what on earth I'm going to do about Saturday. Now, deciding between being with closeones or being with closeones, there's the dilemma. It's not a matter between life and death, but still, it's tearing me this very moment.

You see, my boyfriend's brother is coming to the city and my boyfriend has asked me to spend time with him, his brother and his sister's family on Saturday. I'm going to meet the brother already on Friday, but this way, I'll get to know him properly.

Yet, I feel that I should also let the siblings have some time of their own together. I'm sure that there's plenty to talk about and I know that my boyfriend's sister's house doesn't have the space for me to stay over, too. So I'd spend fwe hours there on Saturday and then walk 8kms home (which isn't an issue here; I walk that much and more every day).

Then again, my mother asked me to take a bus (hour and 35 mins ride) to Viitasaari, our summer cottage city, and be with her on Saturday. She's going to visit her two brothers, my favourite uncles, whom I haven't seen this year yet. They are 72 and 71 and both have ill health, so nobody knows how long they are with us. I want to see them badly (before it's too late...).

Now, if I'd leave on the bus my mum wants me to, I'd have to leave my boyfriend's place early in the morning and the bus would leave 11.45 am and I'd be at Viitasaari at 1.20 pm. That would mean that mum and I would be at Rantala, mum's childhood home where my uncles' live, around 3 pm, just in time for lunch (their lunch time is always 3 pm).

Which option would you pick??? I'm, honestly, torn between the two. I had said ealier to mum that I cannot join her at our summer cottage. That was before I knew about the trip to see my uncles. I said to my boyfriend that I'd be there when he wants me to; I am aware that his brother is important to him and they don't get to see each other that often. I'm now thinking that am I selfish when I want to be with him?

When I told my boyfriend about mum's suggestion, he asked me to choose his family. That this is not a normal family Saturday people have all the time, but a special one; in fact, the kind which happends, perhaps, just once.

Aguess this is one of those moments, when one has to choose between what she wants and what someone she loves wants. I have to disappoint one person I care about and that is hard. I am very aware that once I've made up my mind, I might also end up hurting and disappointing myself. But, frankly, that doesn't matter that much right now. All my life I have wanted to "the right thing", but, perhaps, there is not such a thing at all than "the right thing", but just decisions and results.

And I just have to pick and see what happends.

Pain hurts

I have mentioned in the past that I suffer from clusterheadaches.

Well, I got hit yesterday once again. It's hard, when you never know when to expect another visit from the beast. I admit... when the the first symptoms came, I ignored them. Why? Because I was sure that that would be all I get. The heat has brought similar symptoms before; they just come and go, just like that. But this time I got a full-blown hit.

Luckily I got caffeine tabs with me and they helped. It was a small wonder that I had those tabs with me. And even bigger wonder that I had water with me! Good things come from the heat, too, I suppose.

It hurts to get hit, but it also hurts that I read that there's someone at ch.com who is convinced that I don't have ch. Well, tell that to me the next time I'm banging my head against the wall in exruciating pain.

To be honest, reading that post made me cry. It made me feel bad. I had been planning during the afternoon about starting my own project to raise money to help other cluster sufferers and cluster awareness and perhaps also cluster reseach. Perhaps very stupid idea, but I have been thinking about it lately... Others have helped me in the past, so I want to give something back. Well, at least I wanted to do that. Now I just feel sad.

Reading that made me think if I should leave the community and when the next hit and cycle come do what I had done two years before finding my way to ch.com: suffer alone, hope that I'm not going crazy, try not to listen to my aunt who said that imagine it all ("no one", she said, "has pain that excrusiating you say you have...") and pretend that I'm stronger than I am.

Perhaps my reaction sounds too strong for some. But I've realised that I've been putting myself down for years and it's time to stop. If I'm not needed, wanted, appreciated and understood somewhere, it's better to safe time and my sanity and just leave. It's one thing, when your friends do not understand you, but it's another thing when other CHer doesn't.

Besides, I feel now that if I post anything in there, I will just get people comment that it's not worth it to read what I post... Funny, the support I've received from the people in there has, in its part, saved me during the dark, dark hours of being chronic. When ch brought depression with it, it was the optimism from the people at ch.com which saved my life. It was them, who kept me believing, that I will find a treatment, which works for me... and I did. Thanks, once again, to them.

I know that I feel bad now. And regular HA is knocking now. I'll think about this all some other day and see, if the world is brighter.

Perhaps I would not feel so strongly about this if the day in question had been otherwise happy. It wasn't. It was hard to see my boyfriend ill, when there wasn't that much I could do. Seeing someone else in pain always hurts if you care. And I do.

Today I've also dealed with old feelings of being abandoned. Raw, raw feelings. I recall my childhood pals asking me to come over and when I do, they send me home, because they want to play with their other friends. I recall the days at school, when other kids left me play alone, because they didn't want me to join them. All those things hurt. So those, who wonder, why I have it hard to trust new people sometimes... that's where it comes from. I've been through so many things.

Those, who say that it's nothing compared to being raped, tortured, attacked...etc., I will tell: we all suffer. The cause of pain might be different, but it still can hurt the same. If your leg hurts and my arm hurts, can they be combared? I say, no. We're both entitled to feel the pain we feel. That's my two cents.

Quote of the Day

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."
(Carl Jung)

Know CH?

Just in case somebody who reads this blog has not head about CH (=Clusterheadaches), I suggest that you will read bit more. NOW.

Here's the link. Use it:
http://www.ouch-us.org/chgeneral/Cluster%20Headache%20Syndrome.pdf


May your days and nights be PF!