Pain hurts

I have mentioned in the past that I suffer from clusterheadaches.

Well, I got hit yesterday once again. It's hard, when you never know when to expect another visit from the beast. I admit... when the the first symptoms came, I ignored them. Why? Because I was sure that that would be all I get. The heat has brought similar symptoms before; they just come and go, just like that. But this time I got a full-blown hit.

Luckily I got caffeine tabs with me and they helped. It was a small wonder that I had those tabs with me. And even bigger wonder that I had water with me! Good things come from the heat, too, I suppose.

It hurts to get hit, but it also hurts that I read that there's someone at ch.com who is convinced that I don't have ch. Well, tell that to me the next time I'm banging my head against the wall in exruciating pain.

To be honest, reading that post made me cry. It made me feel bad. I had been planning during the afternoon about starting my own project to raise money to help other cluster sufferers and cluster awareness and perhaps also cluster reseach. Perhaps very stupid idea, but I have been thinking about it lately... Others have helped me in the past, so I want to give something back. Well, at least I wanted to do that. Now I just feel sad.

Reading that made me think if I should leave the community and when the next hit and cycle come do what I had done two years before finding my way to ch.com: suffer alone, hope that I'm not going crazy, try not to listen to my aunt who said that imagine it all ("no one", she said, "has pain that excrusiating you say you have...") and pretend that I'm stronger than I am.

Perhaps my reaction sounds too strong for some. But I've realised that I've been putting myself down for years and it's time to stop. If I'm not needed, wanted, appreciated and understood somewhere, it's better to safe time and my sanity and just leave. It's one thing, when your friends do not understand you, but it's another thing when other CHer doesn't.

Besides, I feel now that if I post anything in there, I will just get people comment that it's not worth it to read what I post... Funny, the support I've received from the people in there has, in its part, saved me during the dark, dark hours of being chronic. When ch brought depression with it, it was the optimism from the people at ch.com which saved my life. It was them, who kept me believing, that I will find a treatment, which works for me... and I did. Thanks, once again, to them.

I know that I feel bad now. And regular HA is knocking now. I'll think about this all some other day and see, if the world is brighter.

Perhaps I would not feel so strongly about this if the day in question had been otherwise happy. It wasn't. It was hard to see my boyfriend ill, when there wasn't that much I could do. Seeing someone else in pain always hurts if you care. And I do.

Today I've also dealed with old feelings of being abandoned. Raw, raw feelings. I recall my childhood pals asking me to come over and when I do, they send me home, because they want to play with their other friends. I recall the days at school, when other kids left me play alone, because they didn't want me to join them. All those things hurt. So those, who wonder, why I have it hard to trust new people sometimes... that's where it comes from. I've been through so many things.

Those, who say that it's nothing compared to being raped, tortured, attacked...etc., I will tell: we all suffer. The cause of pain might be different, but it still can hurt the same. If your leg hurts and my arm hurts, can they be combared? I say, no. We're both entitled to feel the pain we feel. That's my two cents.