Questions and Answers

It's good to talk. I mean REALLY, REALLY talk sometimes.
Although, sometimes, it has odd consequinces.

You see, last weekend, my mother, my boyfriend and I spend some time together at my family's summer cottage. It went well except for one thing: my mothers conversation style. I'm used to it (although I don't think that she had a pause in her monologue during the whole drive from Viitasaari city centre to our summer cottage nor from Viitasaari to Jyväskylä), my boyfriend has a problem with it.

So, yesterday evening my boyfriend and I talked about it. We ended up talking about my life and childhood in general and I, for some reason, told him how much it had hurted me that I was not invited to stay over night at his sisters' as it brought back sad memories from my childhood and it all came back to the same questions, which have haunted me my whole life: why I am not wanted? Why I'm not enough?

And, deep down, the answer to both questions lie in the very same place: my mother. I have no idea what took place in my childhood... what was so bad that I feel that my mother never wanted me? And how she always made me feel that no matter what kind I am and what I do, I'm not ever enough for her as who I am?

When mum asked me at the summer cottage that do I have issues I haven't dealed with her, I said that I do. But she asked me to bring them up, but I just couldn't. Not there and then, no. It was the wrong place and the wrong moment. I need to feel comfortable to share what I feel and during that moment I didn't feel that way. But I know that I have to talk to her about these questions I have before it's too late. I just don't know when, where or how. I just have to... Maybe I'll just write her a letter one of these days.

When I saw this nice employment counsillor about my opportunities, she told me among other things, that I need to find "ready-made" answers. That I'd want somebody else magically pass me some answers about my life. Answers, which nobody can give me. Actually, she was wrong. I didn't want that; although it would have been simple. I just wanted someone to give me a clue...

But these days I've found that answer. It was inside of me.

I read that the likes of me should meditate for answers. Well, I've been planning to take that up, so what else do I need?

Maybe today or maybe tonight we'll find the answer to our lives...