Sometimes tears do help

So, yesterday was a bad day. Sad day. Been doing lots of crying - kind of day.

But you know what? That was yesterday. I'm happy, cheerful, smiling and joyful today! Funny, but it was raining outside yesterday and sunny today! Just like my moods. =)

I'm still not sure what yesterday's sadness was about. It was a lot of things all at once, I suppose... but I'm glad that it's gone! But I did learn a lot about it. Like I have people who support me, my mum helped and I got a supportive message from my boyfriend.

But more than that, I cried so much, that I felt that I've dealed with many issues I have meant to deal with. Yesterday was a explosion, which was just waiting to happen. I'm just glad that I could face that day on my own, you know. That I wasn't at uni or working somewhere.

They say that if you leave tears on your cheeks for a while before you wipe them, they will moisturise your face. Well, I wasn't quick enough to wipe them all, there were so many of them and for such a long time, that I'm sure my face is fully and complitely moisturised for a long time! In fact, I kept on needing tissues so much, that I ran out! I had to buy a new packet today...

A good cry sometimes does help. I feel a lot better. Sure, it took me until 1.15 am to feel okay, but anyway. I slept like a baby and wake up smiling.

It's all good. I'm stronger now!

Will & Grace finale

I watched last night the last episode of Will & Grace. Ever.

To the americans reading this, it may sound nothing. You've seen that episode already long time ago. But back here in Finland W&G is way behind. Actually, the channel, which shows W&G here has not even shown series 7 yet! And the last series was 8.

But back to the show. Will & Grace is my all-time favourite show. I love it, love it, love it! I love the characters, the plotlines, NYC where it pretends to be, all of it. It has helped me through some rocky times, I tell ya. I even wrote my BA disseration about W&G! So it means A LOT to me.

Naturally, I was waiting to see the last episode like kids wait for Christmas Day. And to be honest, I was just a bit dissapointed... =( Just in case some fans, who have not seen that episode yet, I won't go into much detail. But I just say that I was hoping that the W&G issue within the last episode would have been sorted out in "today" instead of how they did it now. But there sure were lots of funny moments...

...and I sure cried after the episode was over. I'm sure gonna miss the gang! Luckily I already own series 1-6 on DVD and I have the last two on my Things to Get - list. I'll be watching those episodes over and over and over again in years to come. =)

I DO matter, even on rainy days

I'm having one of those sad, down, lonely days...

It's raining outside, which makes it even worse.

There are so many things I could vent about right now...but the thing is, now that I'm writing this, I don't want to anymore. Those tears I cried a moment ago made me feel better. Not cheered up, but better.

It was kind of sad to realize that I wanted to call someone, but when I stared at the phone, I could not figure out who to call. So I didn't call anyone. It felt unfair to burden my boyfriend, those pals who have problems of their own or my mother, who is not always supportive when I desperatily need her to be.

Right now I would need hugs, supportive words, funny pics, just someone who is 100% on my side. No critisism, no rationalising the situation, no negative remarks. Just plain support and optimism. I feel that I'm empty and I have nothing to give. That I'm nothing and I don't matter...

I know that in few hours I'm fine again. And I know that people appreciate me and value me and my opinions. I just don't feel that way right now. I just want to cry, sleep, talk to someone to understands!!!!

I know that this shall pass... I just wish that I'd be there already, you know?

Who cares...? I do

Moment ago I was sitting on an empty room next to mine, staring outside. I watched how few swallows played on the air. And I thought about this all...

You see, here I am, writing about my life, believing, that it matters. Hah hah hah... Well, I've always known that some things I think about are funny! ;-)

Naturally, the truth is, that I have no idea how many people read my blog. Or how many give a crap about the things I write about. But this "onlinediary"- thing is important to me. And so are the things I write & wonder about.

I do write about things to my notebooks and discuss some of these things with my boyfriend & friends, but not all. It would not be fair to trouble them with all the things on my mind. Especially, when I'm still trying to figure something out...

Yet, when you care about someone, and especially, when you love someone, you promise to witness that somebody's life and care about things that person cares about. I'm making mental notes about my boyfriends likes and dislikes and I know that I start sentances with the words: ' My boyfriend likes..' And there's nothing wrong about that. It feels great to say that.

Once you know

I wrote ealier at this very same blog that I had some idea about what I want in my life but not that specificly.

Well, thanks to some more reading, some meditation, some time just sitting and wondering, I know what I want. Meaning, what I really want in my life.

But I'm not going to list those things right here. Oh no. There are some things which I'll rather keep as "it's me to know and the rest of the world find out once it has already happened" - things. I'm going to do this, as I have realised, that too many times in the past some people have judged my dreams and goals as unworthy - just because they were different than what those people want themselves. I'm doing this to save my own peace of mind.

But, those who know me, could very simply put two and two together when they read my old posts in here. Those who know me would probably say, "oh yes, that's so like her" anyway. But what I have understood is that what will happen, will happen and when it's meant to happen. There will always be people who do not support me from their very own reasons which vary in a great deal. All I'm going to do is stay true to myself and work to achieve my dreams, goals and all that.

Let the rest of the world wonder. ;-)

Where were you when...?

There are several defining moments in everyone's lives. Some of them are private, some we share with our own country and some with the whole world.

My parents generation had the Moonlanding and Kennedy's murder. My generation recalls fondly, where they were when

Finland won the ice hockey world championships in 1995 (back home, I was sick).

Diana, Princess of Wales died(back home, it was early in a Sunday morning).

Planes hit the World Trade Centre twin towers in 2001 (during the first hit I was at bank, I heard about it on special news broadcast when I got back home).

And now there's another, important milestone to add to the collection:

Where were you when Lordi and Hard Rock Hallelujah won the Eurovision Song Contest, Finland's very first ESC victory in May 20, 2006? (I was at home, cheering, jumping, screaming and singing along every step of the contest!)

These moments make life matter. Can't wait to add more personal, private ones into the collection. =)

We are the winners of Eurovision!!!!

"We are the winners of Eurovision..."

might be the lyrics in Lithuania's entry in this year's Eurovision Song Contest, but it was FINLAND who won!!!! Hard Rock Hallelujah!

The Eurovision Song Contest was held this year in Athens, Greece. 37 countries participated, 24 made it to tonight's final. And for the first time Finland won! And by landslide! We made Eurovision history by winning for the first time - and getting a record-breaking amount of points. Go Lordi, go Finland!

There was lots of controversy around Lordi, but in the end their monster rock performance rocked all around Europe. It proved that Finland CAN win with the right artist and performance. Personally, I danced all through their 3 performances and hoped for the best. This is a dream come true to a ESC fan like me! I've been waiting and dreaming about this day since 1991 when I begun watching the contest.

And what a night to win: Finland participated for the first time in Eurovision Song Contest 40 years ago, back in 1956. Since then the ESC fans have been waiting for tonight! About time... ;-)

Finland is going crazy with celebrations! People are singing, dancing, screaming and jumping! Some plan to take tattoos with the word "Lordi"... And I said to a friend of mine that if Finland wins, I'll volunteer to help at ESC 2007 arrangements. Aguess I'll be sending my CV to our hosting broadcaster YLE on Monday morning... ;-)

We made ESC history tonight! Incredible!!!

Hard rock hallelujah!!!
Here's the song once more:
http://eurovision.lordi.org/main.site?action=siteupdate/view&id=8

Somehow I think that it's going to be no 1 hit in here soon... =)

What a night, what a feeling, what a show! Thank you & congratulations, Lordi!
Let's see you all next year in FINLAND!!! Hard Rock Hallelujah!!!

It feels like home

There are lots of songs about home. But what is 'home' really? Is it a place you can physically be or state of mind?

I'm a homebody. I love to be at home. Now, there are three places I call home in the traditional four-walls-and- a roof - kind of way. These places are important to be. These are places I love to be. Places I live in.

But truly, I'm one of those people, who is 'at home' wherever I am. To quote a song, 'wherever I lay my hat, that's my home'. Partly it's a state of mind.

I also feel at home when I'm with the man I love. Perhaps it's silly to say that, but I do feel like home when I'm with him. It's that certain feeling... if you've felt that, you know what I mean. It's so easy to be with him, it's so right and relaxed.

Good luck, Lordi

The Eurovision Song Contest final is tomorrow evening, but I'm already excited!!!

And no wonder why. This year Finland actually stands a real chance! For someone like me, who has watched the contest for years and hoped for the best, it's fantastic news. I know that not everybody likes what Lordi sang, but it's okay.

I watched what other ESC fans think. It felt incredible to see FINALLY Finland in their top 10 predictions. Naturally, nobody knows what will happen on the final, the voting has always been unpredictable. But I hope that this year Lordi will make more ESC history and when Saturday night comes, we'll see Lordi at top 5!

I've been listening to Lordi's entry Hard Rock Hallelujah several times today. Those who want to hear it, here's the link: http://eurovision.lordi.org/main.site?action=siteupdate/view&id=8

Saturday is here soon and my thumbs are already up. Go Finland!!!

Cultural mixture

I'm caught between several cultures.

Now, most people who are in that same situation, have parents from different countries and cultures. Mine are Finns. But in my case, it's complitely a cultural issue. I was born in Finland and raised as a Finn, but part of my heart belogs to America. And part of my heart is left in London.

I have tried to figure out when my fascination with the United States of America begun, but I'm not sure. Perhaps it was all those Friday nights watching Dallas with my folkes... or the two weeks trip to Florida back in December 1991, which did it. I don't know. But I do know, that I get very excited with many American things.

I love the American flag, I love their national anthem, most of my fave films and TV shows are American, so is my fave music. And I just fell in love with Florida... all those sunny days, the beach, sea shells, palm trees, the ocean... yup, it got under my skin. And so did New York City back in Easter 1999. I've been dreaming about living in NYC one of these days. Or at least, a two-week trip...

One of my biggest dreams is to drive across the USA with my boyfriend and/or other friends and visit as many states, American friends and sights as possible. It'll be great!

Still, I'm patriotic woman and each time I hear Finland's nationa anthem, I rise and salute and sing along. I support Finnish athletes and ESC entry... Put Finland down and you have to answer to me! The three years I lived in London made me more Finnish than the years back in Helsinki did.

During my time in London, I connected with the local culture, in some parts. I love many British TV programmes and I have lots of favourite places in London. I loved walking in Holland Park, Oxford Street and The British Museum, just walking and relaxing and enjoying myself. Not to mention all those afternoons at Borders, just reading books and magazines and looking at the other people... Wonderful times.

If somebody would ask me, where I'm from, I'd say 'Finland' any time of the day. But is my culture Finnish? No, I'd say that it's 'international Finn'. I'm one of those people, who feel at home wherever they are at the time being. But where my heart is, that is complitely another thing.

Hard Rock Hallelujah

I'm one of those people who watch the Eurovision Song Contest every year. I have done that since 1990. And the contest is taking place in Athens, Greece, this weekend.

Here's more about the competition: http://www.eurovision.tv/english/index.htm#

Just a while ago was the semifinal in which 23 songs sang for the place in Saturday's final. And this year Finland made it! That's right, Finland's entry for 2006, Lordi and their song Hard Rock Hallelujah sang their way into the final! Go Finland!!!

I try to predict the winner each year. It's always difficult... I've been right only twice about the winner. I have quessed correctly the top 5 for five times and that ain't bad. I have said for several years now that Finland does not stand a chance in ESC if we send a ballad there. When we have a catchy tune with pyrotechnics and good show, we have a chance. This year Lordi did that and they are in the final.

I won't even try to quess here and now who will win on Saturday. When I've heard all 24 songs, I'll make my predictions. Let's just see how I'll do this year. I'm patriotic woman, so I wish that Finland will do well. Lordi actually has a chance, so I hope for the best.

Lordi has a website as well: http://www.lordi.org/

I must admit that although Lordi's music is not quite my cup of tea, I do like their ESC song. Here are the lyrics:

Hard Rock Hallelujah

Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!

The saints are crippled
On this sinners’ night
Lost are the lambs with no guiding light

The walls come down like thunder
The rocks about to roll
It’s the Arockalypse
Now bare your soul

All we need is lightning
With power and might
Striking down the prophets of false
As the moon is rising
Give us the sign
Now let us rise up in awe

Rock ’n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock ’n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
In God’s creation supernatural high

The true believers
Thou shall be saved
Brothers and sisters keep strong in the faith
On the day of Rockoning
It’s who dares, wins
You will see the jokers soon’ll be the new kings

All we need is lightning
With power and might
Striking down the prophets of false
As the moon is rising
Give us the sign
Now let us rise up in awe

Rock ’n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock ’n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
In God’s creation supernatural high

Wings on my back
I got horns on my head
My fangs are sharp
And my eyes are red
Not quite an angel
Or the one that fell
Now choose to join us or go straight to Hell

Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!

Rock ’n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock ’n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
In God’s creation supernatural high
Hard Rock Hallelujah!

Baby joy

Yesterday me and my boyfriend went to meet his big sister, her husband and their baby boy, who was born on Monday.

When we arrived, my boyfriend's godson was happily asleep in his tiny bed. He had a cute hat on and his clothes had cute, green kittens on it.

As we looked at this bundle of joy and his content, serene parents, it occured me, that this is truly it: happiness. It was so great to see them so very happy. =)

Lately I have thought about babies, children, motherhood and parenthood in general. I have heard more and more people talking about the hard parts, difficult moments and the heartache it all involves. But that is just one side of it. Looking at these new parents and their joy, it felt unfair not to emphasize this side of it.

A baby needs a lot of love, nurturing and time, but they bring a lot of joy, happiness and love with them. In my eyes, they are little blessings.

Yet many people are not parents and it's necessarily because they don't want children. Sometimes there just is not an easy explenation why some couples will not become parents. My heart goes out to them. And those, who decide not to become parents, their choice should be respected, too.

I watched an episode of Dr Phil earlier and in this show there were bunch of women discussing whether stay-at-home mums were better mums than mums who work. I don't think that it's truly a yes or no - question. My mum worked, my godmother didn't. Both did their best as mothers in different ways. Same choices do not fit all, I think that both kind of mums should be supported and appreciated.

Sorting me out

There seems to be one tiny problem with my life: me.

I have mentioned before, that when I know exactly what I want, there is nothing which could stop me. And when I know with certainty what that something special I want to do is. Because saying "I want to write for living" is not as exact that I'd like. That is why I went to see a psychologist, who helps people with their careers.

I spend an hour talking with the psychologist, who was a kind, lovely woman. She made good questions and lots of suggestions. I felt like I had visited a positive family friend, as she was even more surprised than I was that I didn't get a summer job. She was impressed when she saw my CV and especially my attitude.

I'm going to meet the psychologist again next week, so that we can figure out together what special skills and strengths I have what I have not thought that I could bring into the table when I apply a job.

After talking today's meething, I felt like everything was possible. That felt great.

Circle of Life

This week is turning out to be one interesting one.

You see, yesterday my boyfriend became a proud uncle and goduncle, as his big sister gave birth to a baby boy. Tomorrow we're going to see this little bundle of joy. I feel blessed that I will get to see this little miracle so soon after he was born. I've already seen a pic of him and he's adorable. =)

Me and other clusterheadaches.commers are invited to the site's owner's wedding via internet. I love weddings and it's wonderful that I get to be part of this happy couple's big day. It's so kind of them to share their wedding with world-wide clusterfamily. I wish them a long, happy lives together!

On Saturday morning, my great uncle (Mum's father's brother) will be burried. He passed away last week. He lived a long, colorful life. He was over 90. He was a kind, wicked man and I have nothing but great memories from the time I got to spend with him. May he rest in peace.

It's funny, how the circle of life goes on during one week in my closeones lives. People are born, wed and burried every day all around the world, but it's amazing see all of these life-changing events to take place at once. But you know what they say in a Disney song:

it's the circle of life
and it moves us all
through despair and hope
and through faith and love
until we find our place
in this path unwindning
in the circle
circle of life

What is Love

What is love
but looking inside the soul
seeing nothing but goodness all around

What is love
but understanding
even tired hearts can care

What is love
but what we have
every time we're together
What is love
but all of us

What is love
but tears of happiness
but a hand which holds
but faith which won't let go

What is love
What is love
pieces of love
that's all of us

Now should I...?

It's not a secret that I want to be a writer. I have heard more often than I can count that to become a writer, one must live "a writer's life". Now, I hope I have lived that life.

During the last few years, I have been joking around with the idea that I would write a self-help book about my life. You know, "this is how I healed my life and begun to reach my own dreams" - kind of thing.

Well, we'll see about that. There's one bad thing about healing yourself... You see, many writers say that they write to fill the cap inside their hearts. So, I've healed mine, so what I write about then? ;-)

Anyways, I the one for dreams. Writing a bestseller (but of course) is a dream of mine. I'm young, so I have time to plan it, write and publish it. Still, I'm going to rewiew all my story ideas and start writing this year. Go, me!!!

Quote of the Day

"The power of imagination makes us infinite"
(John Muir)

Mothers and children

My mother is incredibly strong woman. She had to grow up too fast, as she was sent to another city to study when she was just 11. I can only imagine what that was like! I have often tried to understand her by thinking about her past. She was born in 1944 and was brought up in the countryside. Finland was so different kind of country when she was growing up and it shows in her.

I'm not bitter nor angry at Mum about the things she did and said to me which were clearly wrong. She did what she could and she did her best. It's not her fault that her words hurt me sometimes and that some of her advice just doesn't work in my life. It's not her fault that I've felt all my life that she loves some ideal daughter instead of me. I love her and I admire her strength, but sometimes I wonder, if she's too strong and too tough.

But then again, I've learned myself not that long time ago, that it's okay to be vulnerable and it's okay not to be perfect and it's okay to be "weak" - sometimes showing weakness is actually the biggest strength. And that it takes a lot of courage to cry.

If you would have known me at 11 and asked me, would I have children in future. I would have replied, without hesitation, that I'll have 3. Since then my opinion has changed several times between "one day", "absolutely yes" and "if I'm blessed with children". When I think about it now, I understand that those days when I've hesitated whether I wanted to become a mother one day myself, was during those days when I was trying to figure out Mother and me. I was scared to even think about what kind of mother I would be. And that I would hurt my child in the same way. That I would not be able to show how much I love my child...

At 26 I see that more and more of my friends clearly are thinking about children and making up their minds whether they should have any in future. What comes to me having children, I'm not there yet. And, actually, I've decided that I'll leave it up to God - if I'm blessed with a child, I'll do my best. I'll learn from my parents mistakes and will do different ones.

Some women have all the luck

After I realized what I need to unlock my heart, I wrote a letter to my boyfriend. Now, I didn't give it to him, because I wrote that letter more to search my own feelings than really something I'd actually give to him. I might one day, though...

...Or not, as when I spend some time with him, I realized, that for the first time, when I'm with someone I really care about, I felt confident enough to truthfully talk and ask what I needed there and then. And to see how he listened what I said and didn't put my opinions down, I was amazed! That's was so unique situation. Well, unique for me.

Before meeting this man I've been around people, who don't support my dreams, put my opinions down and basically made me feel lowest of the low. But now, as I felt complitely accepted when we discussed an issue we didn't agree on, I understood just how lucky woman I am. And when he held me, I had tears of happiness in my eyes.

Some women do have the luck... =)

The answer for my life?

Yesterday I wrote about the burden of silence I'm feeling. Well, later on, as I was doing nothing and just relaxing, reading something else, I realized something, which just might be the answer to this huge problem.

You see, I came across a text written by John Grey (yep, that Mars-Venus guy). He wrote about women needing to trust before they can open their hearts. And suddenly these warm tears were burning my face and I was trembling. It felt like that's it!

I understood, that when Mum had tried to ask me about my feelings, I never really trusted her with what I was feeling. And why? Because usually she had hurted me badly with her words just seconds before that. And in that situation trust was far, far away. When she wanted to know how I was feeling, I was just pushed to tell and naturally, I coudn't share anything, I just cried or just watched somewhere else.

Trust is something that you can earn in time and lose within seconds. Trusting someone with feelings and emotions is a big deal. Especially, when I have avoided doing that, because of my fear of vulnerability. Now I'm with a man I know I can trust. Maybe, within time, he will help me to break this lock I have. I just have to find the courage to begin that journey...

Tip of the Day

I warmly recommed everyone to read Jane Fonda's book My Life So Far. It's one honest, inspiring book. It made me sit back and look at my life a lot. Great read for everyone, absolutely!

The Burden of Silence

They say that one picks a lot of behaviour models from one's parents. I bet I have done that, too. Without really noticing it.

One of them I have figured out, now. And it's my silence what comes to sharing my emotions out loud. Sure, I can write about what I feel anyday now, but saying them is not that simple. I recall moments in my childhood, when Mum tried to get me say what I feel and even when I wanted to tell her, I just coudn't.

Those words I wanted to say were just locked inside of me and I had no idea how on earth I could get them out...

That is the biggest issue I need to learn right now. Learn to say out loud what I feel, when I feel it. I'm not sure whether it's a result from my parents' sharp commants not to speak as a kid, my own insecurities, my lack of self esteem, my perfectionism or my fear of saying out loud the wrong things, which caused this problem in the first place. And I don't know which of those are just results from the core issue... Maybe I should go see a therapist to work this out! Nah, I'm one of those stubborn old-fashioned Finns, who think that they can sort themselves out.

But I do think that I met my boyfriend for a reason. He can speak more openly about his emotions and feelings than I can. I think that one of the reasons he was brought into my life was that I'll have to face my problem and learn to speak from my heart.

Silence can be golden, but not in this thing. It's a burden, because those words are just screaming to get out! Yet, I can't force myself to say them... I think that I just haven't had the self esteem to say many of those things I've wanted to. Part of me is scared of hearing how others react... Aguess that underneath it all is the fear of being abandoned, yelled at (I hated that as a child) and being unloved if I say what I truly feel.

Now, some patience, time and tiny steps, that's what I need. Here's to finally the breaking emotional silence! Watch this space...

I'm little lost - have you seen me somewhere?

The more I've read Jane Fonda's book My Life So Far, the more I have understood how important it is for me to find my own voice.

At 26, I (hopefully) have lots of time ahead of me, so I'd like to use it wisely. If I could pick it freely, I'd follow my heart, write and work to help others along the way. So, what's stopping me now? Well, just the fact, that I feel that I don't feel passionate enough about one thing. And I think that it is very important that one feels passionate about things one does. Now, I am well aware, that more often than not, one cannot just choose profession and job like that. It's not that simple. Usually you study one thing and easily end up doing something else. I just wish that my "that something" is something I'm passionate about.

I also know that it took Jane Fonda more than 60 years to truly connect with herself. Knowing that gave me lots of hope. It made me realize, that these questions I've been asking myself (who I am, what I want to do, what excited me, what I'm about...) ARE important - but that I have time to figure them out. I shoudn't rush myself, I'll find out the answers, when the time is right.

During the past few years I have been making "room for me", so to say. I have read lots of self help books, thought about my values and priorities and really wondered who I am and what I want from my life. I stayed single for a quite a while, because I wanted to heal myself before I wanted to be with someone, so that I would not hurt them in the process.

Where am I now, then? It's hard to say, to be honest. I'm still climbing to that mountain, so I cannot yet stand on the top and realize, how small that mountain truly was. I hope that someday I can do that, though...

I've often said, that the day I stop learning new things is the day that I die. I know that getting to know myself is a process, which is not actually ever done, but constantly in development. But it would hell of a lot easier to guide the ship called my life somewhere, if I knew clearly where I want to go. It's bit of a haze right now.

But I have faith, I have hope and I'm in love. Sounds like a winning combo to me! ;-)

Maybe

Maybe this is who I am
Maybe this is what I need to understand
Maybe this is who Iam
Maybe I finally understand who I am

These lyrics came to my mind today as I walked home and I just had to write them down! Naturally part of the fun is the melody, but sorry, I'm not a composer, so for now only I know it.

But you can imagine some sort of tune for it, right? ;-)

All you need is little faith

Today, as I walked outside in beautiful, sunny weather, I felt so much better about my life and everything. I realized that I had found my way to the best place: hope.

As I walked home, I thought that truly there is only one thing I need and that is faith. All you need is just little faith. In myself, my talents, my dreams, my skills, my life - and that's it. Always easier said than done, of course.

I believe in God strongly. I always have. I pray at least once a day, usually before I fall asleep. That's a habit I picked from my parents - they both taught me one evening prayer. Funny, but Mum's prayer used to be my favourite, but now the one I can recall is actually Dad's. Usually I pray my own prayer, which is different each night.

My prayers are usually about me telling about things I'm grateful and thankful about. I also add things I'm worried about and pray for Mum, other relatives, my boyfriend, other friends and ch.com pals. I share my dreams, hopes and wishes in those prayers.

My faith was tested when my Dad died. I was angry, but I didn't lose my faith in God. I just didn't understand why it was Dad's time to go already... There was a time I hoped that my prayers could save him. Now I know that it wasn't meant to be.

I have read the Bible from cover to cover twice. And I feel like reading it again. I do recall the serendipity I felt after reading some of it. Strange, huh?

Lately I have felt the urge to connect with my religion more and I have even thought about going to talk with a priest. Now, you don't see me in church on Sunday mornings, although my faith is strong. I have always felt that my faith is more in my heart than in church - and it's enough to watch the service on TV.

I suppose part of that comes from my childhood, as going to church wasn't a tradition in my family. So when I go to church on my own, it's my tradition. Yet I never doubted my parents' faith in God, I know that they both believed in Him. It could be that if I still lived in Helsinki, and could go the service at my local church in there, I would go more often as the priests are familiar and so are other churchgoers. Or not.

Still, my gut feeling keeps on telling me that I should go to talk to a priest...

My revelation

After meditating, I thought, what a heck, I'll do some yoga, too.

I don't practice yoga that often these days, although when I do, I enjoy it a lot. Like today. It felt good to train my body with simple yoga moves and feel the breathing take away all my worries... It was great.

After yoga I went outside. I sat on a huge, red chair my flat mate had brought to our tiny terrace earlier. I sat on that chair, read Jane Fonda's book (My Life So Far) and enjoyed myself.

It didn't take long for me to stop reading, though. I stopped to listen to the sounds around me, birds, people, the wind. I looked at the beautiful clouds, the white moon, the trees... And I felt complitely connected with everything around me. Nature. The world. The universe. It felt even better.

I recalled wise words, which I had read somewhere, which pointed out that in fact all of our thoughts are being heard - by all the other creatures around us. I thought, I will try my best to make my thoughts to be good, joyful and positive ones, so that they will find their way to the hearts and minds of good, happy people, who will, in their turn, connect with me.

I wish I could paint all the colors of the sky
Oh I want to live a simple life
I don't need much
just couple of kids
a warm home
and a loving man by my side
Oh I want to live a simple life...

Those lyrics came to me as I watched my serene surroundings. It's funny, how I have been writing so much things to this blog lately that my notebooks could accuse me of neglect! I suppose it feels so much safer this way... I don't know.

And I don't know how to describe that oneness I felt with the world today. I have felt that way before... It feels amazing. I know that many people don't believe in that and it does sound odd, but during those little moments, I do believe that we all are connected in a beautiful, profound manner.

Right now everything is fine in my corner of the world... =)

Meditation

I don't recall when it was when I first heard and read about meditation. But I do recall being bit sceptical about it. It didn't seem my kind of thing.

Then, last year, I decided to give it a go. And I enjoyed it a lot! Those first 15 minutes I meditated gave me lots of energy and positivity. I meditated quite regularly after that.

Now, just a while ago, I meditated after a break. It felt great! If adrifted deeply into somewhere calm and quiet and relaxing. I felt re-charged as I woke up - and I had meditated only for 10 minutes! Amazing.

I do recall how addictive meditating can be. Once you've felt great while doing it, you want to meditate soon again to reach that relaxing, happy state. Naturally, it is not as incredible every time, but always great.

Now, could I manage some more meditating into this evening's schedule... ;-)

I did it!

When I read my emails this morning, I got very good news: I passed Academic Swedish - class! Yahoo!

It was a tough class, held by a tough teacher, who has the history of failing lots of good students. So you can imagine my happiness right now! I'm so, so happy!!!

It's these little accomplishments, which make a great life...

I had a great day alltogether: the sun was shining, I took a nice long walk, I found a nice microwawe (did buy it yet), nice summer coat and great idea for a present. Not bad for a one day!

That Crisis

I'm 26 now. Four years away from big 3-0.

I suppose I've been waiting for that 30 crisis to begin ever since I turned 24. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to stress about, but I sure am getting few signs. You see, I've been thinking about my life and especially my future a lot lately.

And to be totally honest, I'm not sure what I should be thinking about it.

You see, I've met that wonderful man I have always wanted to meet. Being with him makes little moments count and big things extra special. So my heart is fine and love department is doing great.

It my career/job - department, which truly worries me. I am slightly terrified about the future of my career. There are not that much jobs for journalists in this country and because, again, I was left without a summer job in a newspaper, my future looks bit darker. I do often think that what kind of papers one should have even to get invitation to interview! No idea... I've done my best, but clearly, it's not enough.

What really gets me down is that I can't get any kind of job. I've applied to so many that I've lost count! Cleaner, waitress, movie theatre worker, phone interviewer... always the same story: I don't hear anything back. Now, I know that I live in a city which has 85.000 inhabitants and 40.000 of them are students, which means that jobs are hard to get. Yet I thought, the optimist that I am, that I could land me one. My thumbs are still up and my mind is hopeful...

I do worry about my future employment. With creative industries it's always fickle. But what I've heard, it's not exactly easy for anyone. Still I hope that once I get my dissertation done and can apply jobs for real, my luck will mend and that I will find a great job among people who are great and earn money doing what I love.

So, I suppose I have pre-30s crisis coming. But I'm ready. I've had ch, I've lots my dad, I've lived abroad. I'm ready for nearly anything!

About Parents and Losing Them

I was reading Jane Fonda's book My Life So Far, when something she wrote made my eyes filled with tears as this thought came to my mind: I might lose my mother one of these days.

My mother isn't sick or weak in any way. But as I read about Fonda telling about her father's last days, it made me think that the odds are that mum will pass away before me. She's 62 soon, I'm 26. I've already lost one parent and the idea of losing another made burning tears roll down my cheeks. I know too well what it feels like to lose someone close.

It's been 9 years, but I can easily return to that day in April, when the phone rung in the middle of the night and the nurse told us the news we had been afraid to hear: dad had died. He fought six months against brain cancer and lost it 4 days after my 17th birthday.

I know I have been thinking about my relationship with my mother lately. Week from now is Mother's Day here in Finland. I have had so mixed feelings about celebrating this day. Yes, mum gave me life, but does she actually love me? That's a question I don't think that I will ever know the answer. Nor have the courage to ask as I'm afraid to hear what she has to say.

I suppose you could say that I'm a daddy's girl... I always wanted him to read the stories to me and take me to walks in the nature and fishing. I enjoyed being with him, because he enjoyed so clearly to be with me and I never had to wonder, if he loved me. I know that he did.

But my mother... now there's another story. They say that the relationships between mothers and daughters are often complicated. Well, mine and mum's sure is. You see, when I grew up, I tried to follow her advices - only to realise that they were wrong. The older I get, the more I understand that we live in different words.

All my life I wanted to know that she loves me, appreciates me and is proud of me. All I hear is her pointing out what wrong choices I've made in my life when I followed my heart. She wants me to live my own life, but on the same time she makes me feel like a failure when I do that. I feel so clueless here. I love her and respect her, but wish that she would, for once, support me.

Link of the Week

http://www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com/

So far, so good

This is the day 12 since I had my last ch hit.

Now, I know that it's been only a short while, but still very excited indeed! =)

Every PF day is a PF day and each and every one of them are truly appreciated. I just wish that my dear pals at ch.com could soon say the very same, though. Nobody should get ch but still some of us do. Only Lord knows why, I suppose.

The best thing about these PF days is that fact that summer has arrived with them! Back in my chronic days warm, sunny days would mean also hellish attacks. But not now, not even shadows! It's fantastic.

Still I keep one can of Red Bull in my fridge, just in case. I call it "Just in case"- can. I hope that I can drink it for fun in few weeks' time. I think I will truly believe that this cycle is over when I've been PF for a whole month. The beast has done short breaks before, (but never this long without going into remission), so I am bit careful. The optimist in me believes that it's over for now... while the realist keeps that can in mind and pack of ice in the freezer.

12 days down, 18 to go. Then's it's official. In the meantime, I'm celebrating every PF day on my way! =)

Quote of the Day

"I trust that everything happends for a reason, even when we're not wise enough to see it"
(Oprah Winfrey)

Mum & Me

This picture was taken in my first Christmas back in 1980.

Flowers, flowers

Spring is finally here, yahoo! These pretty flowers are now blooming in my mother's garden.

Aren't they just lovely?

Imaginary Conversations

One of my teachers said that there are two kinds of people. Those, who have a party inside their minds and those who attend parties. I'm one of those women, who have party inside her head.

My teacher meant, that some people rather keep themself to themselves and share part of their hearts with only rare people. When I say "I love you", I mean it. I don't say it in sake of saying it. I don't say it, because I have to or because I think I will achieve something by saying it. No, I say it only because I feel that way.

Honesty is important to me. When I lie, it's for my closeones. After my father's death I lied to relatives that mum wasn't at home - when in fact she was sitting closeby and she just didn't have the energy to talk with anyone.

Honesty can hurt, though. When a friend of mine told me that she didn't stood up for me against bullies at school because she thought that I should deal with them by myself, that hurted me. It was therapeutic to hear her tell that, but still... at the time it happened, I really would have needed my friends in my corner. I'm not bitter about my past, though. And I don't have grudges. I don't need apologies from anyone. I believe in the saying "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". And I must be very strong woman after all the things I've been through in my life. We all have our crosses to bare.

It has been said that one cannot become a writer unless one lives a writer's life first. If that's true, I should have enough material for a long series! ;-) I do know that it's not that simple. I do have noticed, that talking and writing about even the darkest hours of my life doesn't hurt anymore. That shows me that I'm comfortable in my own skin - and how far I've come from that girl I once was.

I have dealed with many situations in my life via writing. But even more than that, via imaginary conversations. In those I pretend to talk with others, usually in english, and things happen exactly the way I want them to. It's sort of role play, I suppose. On many occasions, in these imaginary conversations imaginary people talk through the real situations from my life.

Usually in those conversations there is this strong, independent woman, who is wise and kind and not afraid to let others know what she thinks - yet using diplomatic vocabulary. That kind of friend I would need in my life! She would make sure that people will treat me like I should be treated - with respect.

Confessions of an Old-fashioned woman

I have an confession to make: I'm old-fashioned woman.

I was brought up with old-fashioned values to respect family, religion and my home country. And in this modern world that is a bad, bad thing indeed. Or, at least, that's how it seems to me.

Maybe it is very silly indeed to think that first you fall in love, then get engaged, move in together, get married, have children... But that's how I imagine it to be. What else can you expect from a woman, whose parents were married 10 years before I arrived?

My family means a lot to me and so do my friends. Still I believe, perhaps foolishly, that it's possible to have both family and a career. That's as modern as I get.

Now, I could live with a man I love before engagement and marriage, but I couldn't have children before "I do". That is one of my values. I belive that marriage is important and meaningful, not just a piece of paper. My parents were married for 27 years, until the day my father passed away. My parents and other relatives have shown with their own example the meaning and value of marriage. I don't take marriage lightly. When I do get married, I do it when I love someone a lot, when we both are ready and when that happends, it's once and it's for life.

But marriage isn't something I would need to do at any cost, if you know what I mean. I know that some people are deeply committed to each other without marriage or are married in their hearts. I respect those choices, although that would not be right for me. I want to be married. As that is, to me, the ultimate bond of love. That shows, that I love that someone so much that I choose to be with him and only him also in the eyes of God and law, not just inside my heart.

I know that some people find it hard to believe, but the first time I truly thought about my own wedding was only after first of my friends announced that she would get married. Even then I thought that I'd like nothing more than small occasion. (And with small I mean really small; 20 people is too many...). A simple white dress for me, tiara and maybe champagne roses in my bucket... But truly, there are only two things, which matter to me in a wedding: that wonderful commitment which I'll be making to that man in question and that it will happen in a church. Everything else is just a bonus.

I believe that all the kids deserve committed parents. I am very well aware that people can be committed to parenthood in different ways and in this modern world it often does not include wedding rings, engagement nor even living in the very same household. The same choices are not the right ones for everybody. What comes to me, I want to bring children into this world after my husband I have been married for a while first.

Now, I know that life is full of surprises and we can always make plans, which will never happen. There is always God who decides in the end what happends and what doesn't. I am aware that part of my beliefs and values come down the fact that I believe in God strongly. That is very old-fashioned thinking, too, I suppose. But I still believe that marriage is a bond which should be taken in front of God and that all the children are precious gifts from God. Neither should be taken for granted.

There are Jokes and then there are jokes

Sean Hayes' character Jack McFarland says in Will & Grace: "I get it, comedy" (in episode Love & Marriage, the pilot). This sitcom line shows that comedy can be versatile. It can be funny - and it can be hurtful. Yes, there are Jokes and there are jokes.

Usually jokes make us laugh. But that doesn't mean that we all would find them hilariously funny, oh no. Some people laugh because everyone else is, not because they are entertained.

I'm one of those people, who love to laugh. I laugh at many things, even the joke is hurting some of the things I find important and meaningful. I watch sitcoms, because it's sometimes easier to deal with life with laughter - there are enough of tears in everyday life.

Yet comedy and jokes deal with real life and real issues. Painful things are brought to the daylight in the form of jokes. And I've met people, who make jokes about everything, but rarely discuss the real issues. What a pity.

Sometimes we come to reveal our inner emotions via jokes. Sometimes we just blur more than we intented in a joke. Then all we need is somebody, who can read between lines and pick up the signs. I know that there are issues, which are easier to deal with via jokes than via serious discussion. Yet, I've always regarded honestly very high...

Personally I love to laugh and make others laugh, too. I can write some funny lines and say some occasionally, too. I don't like to laugh at others' expense, but at funny stories and witty lines. I hate it when people combine a punch line and a bitchy comment and think that the result it something nice. Those are not jokes at all, just backstabbing and hurting.

There's a saying, which goes:I hope that life isn't a one big joke, because I don't get it. I know how that feels, although I must admit that I don't feel that way. Sometimes I do smile at the tiny little jokes God has placed in our lives. Some twists and turns make me think that the knows the value of comedy.

What I really want

I have often said, that when I know what I want, there is nothing which could stop me.

Sounds good, right? I sure think so...
Naturally, there is a BUT in that statement. I have no idea what I WANT.

Of course I do KNOW some things I want. Like to travel to many countries. And to graduate with my MA degree. And write a bestseller novel. And get married. And have children. Live in a nice place. Have a career doing something I love... So very general, ordinary things, right?

But I don't really have a life schedule. You know, a plan, which would include when, where and how I'd get all those things I want. I have achieved two things I treasure a lot: peace of mind and love. After getting those, the rest seem like something extra.

I do want to write, help people and travel. If that leads into a career as a sitcom writer or a life coach, so be it. Still I hope that I would be one of those people who knew exactly what they will be at the age of 3 - and the become that. My life would be complitely different, if my original plans would have taken place.

Okay, I would still be studying journalism, but in a different city. I would have never studied abroad nor came to this city to study where I am. And I would have missed those 3 incredible years in London and meeting this wonderful man here in Jyväskylä. So in many ways I am grateful that my life has turned out the way it has.

Yet I hope that some voice inside would firmly say: this is who you are, Sandie. This is what you're supposed to be doing with your life. And even when I'd face humps on the road, there would not be any doubt in my mind that I've done the right thing and chosen the right path.

I suppose I want some sort of security, certainty, purpose. Don't we all want that, in a way or another? I have found a man who makes me feel like home. But I want to have that special own thing, too. Right now I just feel like one unfinished project with no deadline.

Don't take me wrong; I'm not desperate, sad, lonely, hopeless, bored or anything like that. It just feels weird how some people know everything so clearly so early on. I have only known that I want to write, write, write, write, write and help people. Now, does somebody need agony aunt? Here's one volunteer...

Female bonding

It never stops to amaze me how a bond between women can be created.

It can happen over night, just like that, within seconds. (Or, you know, never.)
And after that, bunch of women can go ahead and discuss about anything and everything, including the intimate things they have not shared with their childhood friends.

It's is complitely possible to talk about sauna, rash, kids, make up, relationships and sexual harrasment during one conversation - and within in a short period of time. (Let's face it, the men would plan some idiotic thing to do or talk about beer or F1 race the same time.) Yet sharing intimate details about one's life does not necessarily make these women friends for life, no, but it sure makes them connect.

And when they get together the next time, they already know that they can trust each other. That makes life bit easier and attending parties more simple.

What do you say when words are not enough?

I had quite a weekend.

I met many of my boyfriend's friends and I had lots fun in the process. It was also nice to just travel with my boyfriend. We were blessed with many nature's wonders during the train journey to his friend's place.

And as we returned back home, I coudn't help but just look at him as he slept on the train. And when I looked at him... I can't really explain that overwhelming feeling, which I felt for him. There are no words, which would even begin to reveal how I felt. That was so much stronger than love.

I recall that one song includes the lyrics: what do you say when words are not enough. That's how I feel about that moment. I love my boyfriend more than any of the words in my vocabulary could ever say, more than any touch could ever show. If he's happy when I'm happy, well, then he's one happy man.

Fairwell to the beast? For now?

For the last five days I had the pleasure of knowing what PF (that's pain free) days are like. Again... Heaven on Earth, I tell you... =)

I did have a short hit a moment ago, but it last only a minute. I'm hoping that the last few days are a sign that ch, episodic clusterheadaches, are ending this time around. Naturally I can be complitely sure after few weeks, but I'm optimistic about it.

There are plenty of things which can trigger ch. Lack of sleep, sauna, salty foods and certain scents are just few to mention (for me). This weekend I ate salty foods, went to sauna and stayed up late. No ch.

Of course ch can stay away when I'm sick, that has happened before. And I'm bit sick right now. So I know for sure in few weeks' time when I'm in perfect health. I just hope that ch is gone for now and keeps time off for few years... like the rest of my life.