Mothers and children

My mother is incredibly strong woman. She had to grow up too fast, as she was sent to another city to study when she was just 11. I can only imagine what that was like! I have often tried to understand her by thinking about her past. She was born in 1944 and was brought up in the countryside. Finland was so different kind of country when she was growing up and it shows in her.

I'm not bitter nor angry at Mum about the things she did and said to me which were clearly wrong. She did what she could and she did her best. It's not her fault that her words hurt me sometimes and that some of her advice just doesn't work in my life. It's not her fault that I've felt all my life that she loves some ideal daughter instead of me. I love her and I admire her strength, but sometimes I wonder, if she's too strong and too tough.

But then again, I've learned myself not that long time ago, that it's okay to be vulnerable and it's okay not to be perfect and it's okay to be "weak" - sometimes showing weakness is actually the biggest strength. And that it takes a lot of courage to cry.

If you would have known me at 11 and asked me, would I have children in future. I would have replied, without hesitation, that I'll have 3. Since then my opinion has changed several times between "one day", "absolutely yes" and "if I'm blessed with children". When I think about it now, I understand that those days when I've hesitated whether I wanted to become a mother one day myself, was during those days when I was trying to figure out Mother and me. I was scared to even think about what kind of mother I would be. And that I would hurt my child in the same way. That I would not be able to show how much I love my child...

At 26 I see that more and more of my friends clearly are thinking about children and making up their minds whether they should have any in future. What comes to me having children, I'm not there yet. And, actually, I've decided that I'll leave it up to God - if I'm blessed with a child, I'll do my best. I'll learn from my parents mistakes and will do different ones.