The Burden of Silence

They say that one picks a lot of behaviour models from one's parents. I bet I have done that, too. Without really noticing it.

One of them I have figured out, now. And it's my silence what comes to sharing my emotions out loud. Sure, I can write about what I feel anyday now, but saying them is not that simple. I recall moments in my childhood, when Mum tried to get me say what I feel and even when I wanted to tell her, I just coudn't.

Those words I wanted to say were just locked inside of me and I had no idea how on earth I could get them out...

That is the biggest issue I need to learn right now. Learn to say out loud what I feel, when I feel it. I'm not sure whether it's a result from my parents' sharp commants not to speak as a kid, my own insecurities, my lack of self esteem, my perfectionism or my fear of saying out loud the wrong things, which caused this problem in the first place. And I don't know which of those are just results from the core issue... Maybe I should go see a therapist to work this out! Nah, I'm one of those stubborn old-fashioned Finns, who think that they can sort themselves out.

But I do think that I met my boyfriend for a reason. He can speak more openly about his emotions and feelings than I can. I think that one of the reasons he was brought into my life was that I'll have to face my problem and learn to speak from my heart.

Silence can be golden, but not in this thing. It's a burden, because those words are just screaming to get out! Yet, I can't force myself to say them... I think that I just haven't had the self esteem to say many of those things I've wanted to. Part of me is scared of hearing how others react... Aguess that underneath it all is the fear of being abandoned, yelled at (I hated that as a child) and being unloved if I say what I truly feel.

Now, some patience, time and tiny steps, that's what I need. Here's to finally the breaking emotional silence! Watch this space...