Friends and Christmas cards

This year I have about zillion things to do before Christmas break. So I decided to write my Christmas cards early.

And I did that this afternoon. I brought some cards from home and I bought some newones yesterday (I coudn't resist a cute card with a cat and a dog...). So I looked up all the names and addresses from my addressbook and wrote the envelopes first. Then I picked up the perfect card for each receiver and wrote a personal note to 10 people.

These cards are on their way abroad, most of them are now on their way to America, two are headed to Sweden and one is going to UK. I have plenty of Finnish friends and familymembers to recall. I did finish two of those cards today as well, but the rest can wait.

I've always written a unique poem to my best of friends, so I want to invest nicely time to write those poems. I know for a fact that one friend of mine keeps all her cards and re-reads them ever so often, so I want to make my cards with the care they deserve. I'm not crafted with the talent to make the cards from scratch, so I write poems. That's my talent.

Now, as I walked home from the nearby Post Office, I thought just how lucky woman I am: I have friends abroad I can send cards to! And it's a blessing to have so many of them to remember. And it's a blessing to have more dear friends here at home. =)

Hmm... who will send me the first card of the season...?

Quote of the Day

"Don't whine,
change your life!"
(Sandie)

Link of the Day

Visit this website and lit a candle.

https://www.lighttounite.org//

Hard Night's Day

Last night was rough. Hellish. Horrific.

Those, who have clusterheadaches, know what I'm talking about. I woke up in agony with ch. When the pain finally stopped and got ready to go back to sleep, another one begun and then one more. I was complitely exhausted when I finally got back to bed.

Now, some may wonder, why I didn't take any medication. Well, simply, because I was OUT. I had had the last can of energy drink around 9pm, when I got hit. And back here stores close at 9pm, so I coudn't get some more. I had been trying to stock up, be the stores have been out of them for a while. That's what you get when you live in halls of residence, I suppose.

Anyway, after a hard night, the day has felt better. I've had some shadows, but that's ok. My mood in general has been up beat, which is nice. I didn't have as much sleep as I would have wanted to, but CHit happens. I might take a nap sometime, if I get too tired. (And if I do and it triggers ch, then so be it.)

It's nice and quiet at the flat now. All my flatmates are out and about. it's dark outside and I'm going to turn on my fairy lights and light up 4 candles. That's the best thing about this time of year. I actually have this romantic memory about fairy lights... I was walking down the Oxford Street in London back in fall 2001 and admired all the beautiful lights... It was so amazing! Then I saw this couple, so obviously in love. Recalling them and that night makes me smile. =)

Yes, Christmas is slowly but firmly making its way here. One of my flatmates placed an angel on her door. It's made of golden paper. We have similar angels back in Helsinki and soon I'll be placing them on the living room windows.

It's great to have my boyfriend over at my house for Christmas. It will be our first together and I want to make it special. =) This year there will be 8 of us at Christmas; mum, me, my boyfriend, my aunt (mums youngest sister) and her daughters and their boyfriends. It will be interesting to see how things will go! This will be the first time my boyfriend meets my aunt and her bunch, and I'm meeting for the first time one of the boyfriends.

This fall has been hard, hard indeed. So I really, really hope that Christmas will be a great one.

Quote of the Day

"We all are winners or losers.
The difference is that winners don't give up"
(Adapted from Little Miss Sunshine)

Little Miss Sunshine

I've learned to appreciate life more than ever since Thursday. I'm not 100 per cent fine yet, but I'm getting there. If we ignore the odd pain I feel on my upper chest/arm and he HAs, then I'm more than fine.

This afternoon I went to see the movie Little Miss Sunshine with my boyfriend. I loved the movie and I loved sitting next to him, eating yummy popcorn and enjoying the movie. The last time we went to the movies together, we saw Walk the Line.

As I walked home, I was smiling broadly. I have lots to smile about. I get to spend time with a wonderful man. I have a warm place to go to. I have candles to burn. I have fairy lights. There are emails from friends. I get to watch two little guinea pigs to grow. I'm one lucky woman, I truly am.

Thank God

The spots are HARMLESS! Thank you God! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

My friends in America are celebrating Thanksgiving today and I feel thankful and grateful as well. My heart is full of joy and gratitude. I'm healthy, thank goodness.

The dermatologist was a kind woman. She was very thorough as she examined the spots on my face. She told me that one of them was so-called liver spot and the other one, larger one, was another harmless spot. The other skin problem needs antibiotics and soecial face cream.

The doctor also said that it was important that I came and got those spots checked. My skin is very fair, so I'm in the risk group to get skin cancer. I must be prepared to use high suntan and that I'll get odd spots more and more in future.

I can't even begin to explain the relief I feel this moment. I did got hit as soon as I left the doctor's office (and another hit is on its way), but that's okay. I think that all the stress and worry came down in that hit! I hope now that this is a one good sign, that everything is wa way up from here.

When I called mum she confessed that she, too, had been worried in a great deal. She had even had nightmares... I didn't have those, but bit lack of sleep and lots of fear and tears. But the worst part is over now. Thank God!

Now I must go get a Red Bull and get rid of this hit. It's been a long day. But I know for sure that I will say many "thank you"- prayers before I got to sleep tonight.

Today's the Day

It's raining outside right now and the day is dark. It suits my mood, to be honest. I'm trying not to think about this evening, but I can't help it. 4.40pm this evening I'll finally find out if I'll have another health scare to deal with.

Yes, I'm going to see a dermatologist today. I have been at ease about it for few days, but now when the day itself is here, I'm not sure what to think! I bet I should tell myself that it's nothing... that those spots are just spots and nothing more. But why I felt so bad the first moment I saw them? Why a dark thought came into my mind? My intuition has been right about things before, so I'm scared to listen to it.

When I wrote about this scare to ch.com, one member told me that I'm too "young" to worry about these things. Perhaps I am... but tell that to my head! I wish I could feel complitely at ease... I wish I could be sure that it's nothing. But I can't. Not yet. Not until the doc tells me that.

I know myself. I look at the positive sides in every issue, situation and person, but sometimes, like now, I also think for a while what's the worst case scenario. Now it would be skin cancer. Frankly, I could live with that. I know that these days they are curable, so the diagnosis could be worse. But just the thought, the word... cancer... it has a bad tone to it, doesn't it? I've lost my dad and uncle to cancer, mum and few other relatives had had scares.

Still, when I thought what if I have cancer, the thought itself brought tears to my eyes. I hope that I won't need to cry thin evening... tears of relief is complitely another matter.

Ok, I have 4 hours to go before the appointment. There's plenty to do, but I can't make myself start. I just feel like doing something entertaining... I actually thought about going to the shopping center and begin the search for Christmas presents. But, with 4 hours to spare, I'd just end up thinking about it too much. Oh well, I could always read some gossip online or watch a movie. Or Will and Grace DVD.

Wish me luck.

Slowly finding that Christmas Spirit

Now, I'm the one at my group of friends who loves Christmas. Not loves, but LOVES. Big time. I've known to listen Christmas carols all through October and November...

But this year things have been different. I've been dealing with many issues, a lot of stress, so the Christmas Spirit has been somewhere else this year. Actually, it's kinda a shocking to see that mum and my friends got there before me! Oh yes, they asked for Christmas present wishes long before I even had thought about the matter. So I was inn a hurry to list few things which could be nice this year...

Frankly, what I really want for Christmas this year is not a thing one can buy. It's not something one can get from any shop or store. Oh no. What I want, then? Simply, I want good health. So instead of writing that down to my list, I looked up some DVDs, books and one CD and pressed "send".

This afternoon I decided to create some Christmassy athmosphere for myself. So I put my fairy lights back to the wall (they have fallen twice before) and I searched for the 5 red paper elfs I bought back in 2004. Now those elfs are in their places; 3 on my window, 2 on the kitchen window. Then I put some Christmas ropes (ok, I just call them that) to my door, table and cupboard to make my room look nicer. My room looks nice now, but the Spirit is yet to find me.

Perhaps I'll feel different when I've done most of my Christmas shopping, I don't know. I've already bought two tiny gifts for mum, but that's it. I have no idea what to buy to my boyfriend (ok, I have some ideas, but that one specific gift is yet to be found) and some of my friends are still one big mystery. Although I must admit that their wish lists made my job a lot easier. But every year one of them is harder than others and then again I could buy 5 gifts to one of them...

I burned a candle this evening. It felt relaxing and kind of comforting. Its small light gave me a lot of hope for the future. Maybe that Christmas feeling is on its way, too.

Real Love

Real Love

The problem nowadays is that love is interpreted on a gross level. Just as many people are attracted to the size and glitter of a fake diamond, so are they swayed by false, superficial love. There is no value in either. A real diamond is often quite small, but it is flawless. That is where it's value lies. Real love is like a tiny diamond: it is not flashy and it is without a single flaw. Real love is one hundred percent pure. There is nothing artificial mixed into it. It is clean. There are no ulterior motives in real love.

I just read this one from one of the many posting lists. It's a great message, don't you think?

Happy Tone

It's a relief to be able to write a message here, which is finally happier. =)

The past days have been hard, sad, difficult and stressful, only few words to mention. But yesterday I already felt better. I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm convinced that my best supporters, my boyfriend and our 2 guinea pigs, played a major part.

On Wednesday morning I did wonder if I should go to see them or not. I wondered how fair it is to them, if I feel awful? But I'm so glad that I went, because during the walk there I begun to feel better and being with them made it even better and better. I cannot thank my boyfriend enough for his love and support and understanding. But on OUCH (Organization for Understanding Clusterheadaches) I bought him a little gift, a packet of his favorite, dark chocolate.

I have been trying to fígure out why I was under that much stress. I'm not sure. Perhaps that was s test to check, if I had beaten few older deamons for good and I feel like I passed. I also wondered that if it was here to make me stronger, then why? How strong must one be?

Honestly, I think that it all hit me hard, because it was all so sudden. No warnings, just stress attack from many sides. Just bang. No time to prepare. It felt like "sank or swim" - situation and before I sank, I begun to swim.

Naturally, only time will tell what will happen this week, next week and weeks after that. Maybe this is the beginning of something great, maybe a sign of things to come. I'm glad that I know now that when the rain pours hard on me, I will not turn against myslelf on top of it, but face it all, do my best to deal with it all and move on.

I had thought that I had been through already the hardest parts of my life, but this all taught me, that one will can never tell in beforehand what will happen. We can made wishes, dreams, plans, pray and hope for the best.

I'm just glad that I didn't fall apart.

Meet the guinea pigs!

Like any other new pet owner, I'm utterly keen to show some pics of the little ones. Here's Kasper and Eetu! =)

Eetu is light brown and has red eyes. He's a little rascal! But looks very wise when he eats.

Kasper is the brown one. He's very peaceful and kind and caring. And obviusly he loves the camera!

Rough night, hard day

Just how rough must things get until they will get better?

I got one hellish night. I got hit late and naturally, because I drank an energy drink to get rid of it, I stayed up later than I had planned.

BUT even I couldn't have imagined that I would still be up at 4am. But I was, reading, wondering, writing and crying. Everything felt so utterly over-whelming.
They say that everything feels worse at "the hour of the wolf" at 3am to 4m. It's very true, my experiences revealed.

During those hours I came up with few ideas as well. I decided to write about it all to my ch.com family. I planned email to my dissertation counsillor. And I made a promise to myself not to take another peak at all the pictures one can look at after typing "skin cancer" to goodle picture search. I have 9 days to go - I'll worry then, if I need to. Hopefully I don't need to.

I wake up tired this morning. The rough night left its marks. I had a HA when I woke up. A horrible one! It took me a while to understand that it was a mix of regular HA and ch. And later on I got hit again when I was at a grocery store. But it's okay, it's complitely understandable.

I took a long walk and it made me feel better. It was nearly relaxing experience, with all that snow around. I still do not know how to solve it all, but I feel much better now.

When there is Will...

... there is always a way.

I have undertood that it really doesn't matter if one is talking about love, beating illness or reaching one's dreams, one needs just one thing: WILL.

Whether one calls it will, determination, strength of character, universal supportnetwork, faith or whatever, its importance is the same. It makes all the difference.

I have heard that in every situation there is a point, when one makes a decition, which changes everything. One must decide whether one wants to win, fight, lose, give up or let go.
When one decides to go on, fight, reach for the victory, one can gain one incredible thing: the knowledge that whatever happends, one is already a winner, survivor, her own hero because she tried.

Right now I feel that all those moments, which have given me strength in the past, came my way so that I could face this all with more dignity, trust and be more certain that no matter what will happen, I can survive it and become even more stronger.

For the first time, when I face hardship, I will love the shild of love to protect me and will and faith to guide me. And those make all there difference.

Quote of the Day

"Live life to the fullest,
for the future is a scarce"
(Nick Carter)

Oh the Mondays, the Mondays

My weekend went pretty well. =)

No ch hits (just bit shadows, but I got rid of them quickly), no worries, just simple, relaxing weekend with my boyfriend and the little ones, 2 guinea pigs. Fantastic. =)

Now, today is bit different.
A day to rejoyice: me & my boyfriend have been together for 11 months.
A day to worry: new pain has made me wonder if something is wrong.
A day to wonder: I was oddly sleepy in the afternoon (I fell asleep on top of my theory book!).
But most of all, a day, which made me realize how grateful I am about so many things.

As I returned books to the library, this time I did not pick up media theory books, but more of self help ones, written by Louise L. Hay. I need them right now. Badly.

You see, although I'm an optimistic person, I've let some anger made a home inside my heart by not dealing with it. When something made me angry, I simply thought that "happy people do not get angry" and did myself disservice.

I diet is healthy, but lately I've ate bit too many omelettes and little less vegetables - although I must admit that when I'm at my place, I do get my portions of vegetables, but not necessarily at my boyfriend's. I understand now that I should start to meditate regularly again (I've thought about that for a long, long time, but never got around to that) and I should start doing yoga again. I believe that this health scare is here to tell me that I should pay more attention to my life style again.

And I'm going to. I cannot trust that my luck will last! I could need some more positive energy to my body, especially, because I have to drink energy drinks to stop ch hits... Anyway, I've promised my boyfriend a long time ago that I'll teach him to do some yoga, so about time that I'll live up to that promise!

I've learned that when one faces a health crisis, everything else falls into their place. I see that more clear now than ever. Many silly worries have come and gone, health and good life matter now.

I do know myself very well. I have said often to myself, that "I'll do this" and "I'll do that" and I have spoken silently or loudly positive affirmations and hope that my enthusiam and inspiration will last. But I need more will, more faith, in myself, my goals, my decisions. That's what I've lacked. But funny, but now, this scare, made me see that I've actually had them all long! I've just always looked them from somewhere else.

I feel stronger, more determinent, more in-tune with myself. I understand, though, that I have a long, long way ahead of me until I fully learn to understand my body and its wishes. But I'm learning to listen to it and it's a good start.

We all will become what we're meant to become. We'll face everything we're meant to face to become those persons. It's not the good times, which make us, but the sad ones, bad ones and hard ones. I'm facing one lesson here, right now. I'm not 100 per cent sure what it is yet, but it will be revealed to me, in time.

But life is too short to waste it, that's for sure.

All shades of Death

It's no wonder that the word "death" has lurked in and out of my mind during the past few days. I've been thinking about it, dying, cancer, pain, losing it all, on and off.

And the conclusion? I'm not afraid of Death.

I've realised that I've made my peace with the fact that I might die, at the age of 26. Sure, it's not realistic option yet, but we all die one day. Some sooner than later. Besides, I've been through so much that it would not be a wonder if the writers of my storyline are soon all out of ideas.

Now, I'm not feeling suicital nor hoping that this would be the end, oh no. There are so much I want to do, see, feel, experiece and accomplish.

The point I'm trying to make in here is that I'm up for anything, but most of all, I'm ready to fight.

Quote of the Day

"If God brings you to it,
God will bring you through it."
(Robert Schuller)

I just found this one. It gives me a lot of comfort on this very moment.

Breaking Down

I was convinced not that long ago that the 3 hours after I left the GPs office were the hardest I would face what comes to this problem. Well, guess what? I was wrong!

The night came and went, new day begins, everything's fine. Then, in the evening, I go to my boyfriend's place to help him with the guinea pigs. At first, no problems.

Then I look at him as he takes care of the little ones, Kasper and Eetu, our guinea pigs (who actually turned 3 months last night also) and suddenly it hits me. I could lose them. If those 2 brown spots on my face are something more than just, well, 2 brown spots. Tears begin to show up on the corner of both of my eyes. I turn away from my boyfriend and I try to control my tears, but it's impossible. The tears just keep on coming and coming and coming...

When I go to the bathroom, I cry some more. As I look myself in the mirror, I can see that both of my eyes are like two fountains; full of water. I let it drip all over my cheeks. These tears are pure, just tears.

I could have skin cancer.

I have tried so hard the whole day not to give it much of a thought. But now it hits me. Hard.

Little bit later, as most of the tears have dried, I tell my boyfriend about it. He tells me that he has seen that something is bothering me but he had no idea that it could be something like this. No one could, I tell him.

He holds me in his arms tightly, like he never wants to let go and it if he does, something could happen to me. And for a moment I cannot breathe, as I keep on thinking about it all.

What if I have cancer?
What if I have cancer?
What will I do then?
What will happen then?

I cry some more and I understand, a little bit, how my father must have felt 10 years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer, brain tumor... It is difficult to even try to describe how I felt that moment. No horror, no fear, no worry, just panic.

Yet, when my boyfriend asks me if I'm scared, I consider it for a while and reply, just a little. That's how I feel. Not really fear, just worry. I worry about my boyfriend, I worry about my mother, everybody else. Aguess it's easier that way. What's the use to worry about me, when we don't know it for sure...

But as I see tears on my boyfriend's eyes as well, I realise that whatever it is, I won't have to face (no bun intended) it all by myself. He tells me that he'll be there for me, every step of the way.

So, yesterday evening I cried a LOT. Those tears sure cleared up my face. Oh, the irony of it.

What really matters?

Yesterday I was close to panic, today I'm cool as an ice cube. Come what may, my face, I'm ready.

Funny, but as soon as it occurred to me that I might be seriously ill, my thoughts raced 100 miles an hour, but none of the people I worried about was myself. There was no whymes (after all it's not confirmed yet) nor self pity of any kind. No regret, no defeat, just simply concern.

Concern over Mum; she has already lost a husband, my father, to cancer (brain tumor in April 1997). Could she deal with losing a daughter to cancer, too?
Concern over my best supporter, my boyfriend of nearly 11 months, who has already lost his mother to cancer and several relatives as well. How would he handle the news?
What comes to my other relatives and friends... I thought that if the news are indeed bad, I'll let them know in time.

I was not worried what happends to me. I didn't care about pain (I live with it already), about possible treatments, just slightly about money, but mostly how my closest will take it. And does it mean that I will not be able to meet my clusterfriends, ever?

So, in the time like this, it's all about the core. What really matters, who really matters, what things are important to you. Like my friend Gwen said, I must forget all about it now and concentrade on other things as much as I can. November 23 is many days away.

Let's not play devil advocate

Now, it's been a while since I last posted. Due to internet problems (it's painfully slow) more than anything else. A lot has happened since my last post, too much in fact, but I'm going to write about things I'm worried right now.

I have told here often that I suffer from ch, clusterheadaches. This week has been the worst on this cycle: 5 hits yesterday, 4 so far today. The taurine Helen sent never got here, but my pal Gwen promised to send me some more (hopefully it's here sometime next week). Energy drinks still work, but one can never be too careful.

Then there is the big D, dissertation 2. I'm late from my own schedule, due to the slow internet. How one is supposed to analyse blogs, when one cannot get to them? But I'm not in the state of panic, yet. I'm thinking about starting regular meditation to keep the stress away. It just might work out. Or not, we'll see about that.

But neither one of those is my worry no uno. It's those two odd spots, sort of moles, on the left side of my face. They worry me a lot now... I know I mentioned a skin cancer scare earlier, but honestly, I was really kidding about that. You know, thinking about the worst possible scenario and getting ready for that, so when it's something not that serious, the relief is greater. Well, I'm not kidding anymore!

I went to see a GP today and when he looked at the moles, he looked bit worried and when he said that he's going to send me to a specialist, dermatologist, I could swear that my heart missed a beat.

Now, I know that just going to see a dermatologist doesn't say that "it's skin cancer" yet, and I'd hate to be pessimistic about it, but I can't help it that I am bit freaking out! I was expecting that the GP tells me that "it's nothing, just a simple rash, which will pass soon...". That's why I'm scared now.

And, naturally, because I'm me, I've been surfing at all sort of skin cancer web sites, looking for pictures. It's horrible to look at pics in which the word "cancer" is linked to moles which look awfully lot like mine what comes to their shape and size (although mine is lighter what comes to color...). But, since I'm Miss Optimistic, I'm not going to think myself as a cancer patient until I hear those words from the dermatologist. And I'm going to see her 16 days from now, so that's a lot of days if one spends all of them worrying, panicking and freaking out, don't you think?

My rational mind tells me that I'm far too young to get skin cancer, but I know better than that. Babies have cancer, so why I would be any different? After all, I have fair skin, I've been sunburned as a kid and my face have got more sun than usual while I've been back in Finland(it's all the long walks I've been walking here at Jyväskylä). Besides, mum had a skin cancer scare few years ago: when a mole in her hand was removed, it turned out to be pre-cancerous. So, it is complitely possible.

Now, I have 16 days until I know more. Until then, I think that I have odd spots on my face and that's all. Wish me luck.