Breaking Down

I was convinced not that long ago that the 3 hours after I left the GPs office were the hardest I would face what comes to this problem. Well, guess what? I was wrong!

The night came and went, new day begins, everything's fine. Then, in the evening, I go to my boyfriend's place to help him with the guinea pigs. At first, no problems.

Then I look at him as he takes care of the little ones, Kasper and Eetu, our guinea pigs (who actually turned 3 months last night also) and suddenly it hits me. I could lose them. If those 2 brown spots on my face are something more than just, well, 2 brown spots. Tears begin to show up on the corner of both of my eyes. I turn away from my boyfriend and I try to control my tears, but it's impossible. The tears just keep on coming and coming and coming...

When I go to the bathroom, I cry some more. As I look myself in the mirror, I can see that both of my eyes are like two fountains; full of water. I let it drip all over my cheeks. These tears are pure, just tears.

I could have skin cancer.

I have tried so hard the whole day not to give it much of a thought. But now it hits me. Hard.

Little bit later, as most of the tears have dried, I tell my boyfriend about it. He tells me that he has seen that something is bothering me but he had no idea that it could be something like this. No one could, I tell him.

He holds me in his arms tightly, like he never wants to let go and it if he does, something could happen to me. And for a moment I cannot breathe, as I keep on thinking about it all.

What if I have cancer?
What if I have cancer?
What will I do then?
What will happen then?

I cry some more and I understand, a little bit, how my father must have felt 10 years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer, brain tumor... It is difficult to even try to describe how I felt that moment. No horror, no fear, no worry, just panic.

Yet, when my boyfriend asks me if I'm scared, I consider it for a while and reply, just a little. That's how I feel. Not really fear, just worry. I worry about my boyfriend, I worry about my mother, everybody else. Aguess it's easier that way. What's the use to worry about me, when we don't know it for sure...

But as I see tears on my boyfriend's eyes as well, I realise that whatever it is, I won't have to face (no bun intended) it all by myself. He tells me that he'll be there for me, every step of the way.

So, yesterday evening I cried a LOT. Those tears sure cleared up my face. Oh, the irony of it.