Pain on a sunny day

So, it's here again. The beast. The Devil. CH.

Well, I begun to think that I have, you know, got some sort emotional victory over it, but no. 4 kip 2s yesterday, persistent shadows this morning. I'm having a ball in here! =(

And no wonder it's back earlier than usual... I started at my new job yesterday and although the job in question is not exactly brain surgery, I suppose doing new things bring always some stress with it. Now I think about quitting. AND I'M NO QUITTER.

The beast sure knows how to get you down... I wish I knew how it does it, you know. I was satisfied with my first day at work (although I got hit in there), and I was happy and somewhat up beat about my future. Now I feel some darker shades slowly creeping in, which is not nice nor welcomed. I have a disseration to write, 2 essays to do, lots of books to read, present to find, train journey ahead of me and 2 important parties to attend this weekend. I know in advance that there'll be lack of sleep, too, but I suppose it least of my worries this very minute.

I feel like going back to bed and sleep the day away... well, until 12.30pm, when I need to leave to meet up with my boyfriend in time. And you know, sleep after that, but only until 9pm, when House premieres in here... I've been waiting for that show to start for such a long time. I don't want to miss it for the world.

If you'd know me, you'd know that "going back to bed" is not words I use when I speak about my plans for the day. That's not me. Or is giving up, panicking nor quitting. Yet all of them are running around in my mind right now. Ch depression mode, go to hell and take the shadows and the devil with you. I have a life to live.

Now, I'm Miss Optimistic. But this very moment I do not feel like one. I feel pretty empty. And just a bit scared. I'm scared that the beast will come and ruin my life; making each cycle worse and worse and destroy everything good I've managed to build during my PF time.

Most of all, I'm afraid that what will happen to my relationship. We've been together for 9 months and 8 days and he has not seen me getting hit yet. I have no idea how he will react when it happends... He's been nothing but supportive and wonderful what comes to all things related to ch so far, but I've seen long marriages and partnerships crash and collide because of ch. Yet, I don't want to lie to him and hide my pain and hits.

If the beast will begin its full war with me soon, I'm going to need his understanding and support and I'm afraid that I'll be too needy in his eyes... I suppose that comes down to my own fears of taking too much of something from others when I truly need them. And well, this situation IS new for me. I've never had a ch supporter outside clusterheadaches.com before. I wish so badly that this all CHit is not too much for him. I love him so much and losing him because of this beast would be a loss too huge to bare.... Only if the devil would come in regularly (like I hoped it would if it really has to come...), I could tell him that sure, I get hit, but it's only x weeks, then it will over for a y amount of time. But it's not that simple with this thing, oh no.

Heh, I wish that I had a job at a supermarket. It would not be that bad to get hit when you put stuff to shelves! So many things can go wrong with ch and this job. Perhaps too much, actually. The computer system I have to use is complicated as it is and harder to use than it should be. In other words, it's a challenge on a PF day, not to mention on a ch one. I have no idea what to do... Maybe I should talk about this with my boyfried when we meet... Maybe I should ask my supervisors, if I could begun with day shifts soon. Maybe I should give it a week and see if I get hit more. Maybe I should just draw conclusions and quit while my life is still manageable. But it's so odd to even think about something like this! It's so not me... I'm not like my cousin, who quit one job just after a day in there. But I feel that way right now.

I feel drained. I feel weak, physically. I'm tired, sad, I even cried earlier. I can count the days I've cried in the morning with one hand; it's rare for me. Well, I suppose this whole situation is weird. I feel so... I can't even find a proper word for this!

The sun is shining outside... it's a beautiful day in here. Still, it might as well be cloudy or raining. I feel like I'm losing a battle and I hate that. I'm a fighter, but I feel too tired to fight, which is unlike me. Simple things like sunshine usually make me happy. Now... well, that's life with ch sometimes, I suppose.

I know that the pain ends. I know that cycles come and go. There will be great supporters at ch.com - thank God for them - but what's left of me and my life when this ends? That's what I'm scared to find out.