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It has been one grey day. I took two walks and tried to understand this all.

I found out yesterday that a fellow clusterhead had committed suicide. It made me extremely sad, but on the same time, I understood. I have been there, painwise. In spring 2004, when I was still chronic ch sufferer, I was sure that I would never ever see Finland. I was sure that I would come back from London in a coffin. But did I try to kill myself? No, I didn't. But, on my darkest hour, I thought about it. And that thought gave me strength to go on with my battle against ch.

I have wondered today that what was the reason why I'm still here? Where did I get the strength, the faith, the hope? I have no idea. It wasn't the meds, because my neuro at the time didn't perscribe me any after topomax failed me and my GP was to coward to give me any. It wasn't support from my mum, because it took her until this year to get ch. So what's my answer, then? The support from my ch family and God must have had more things planned for me.

Here and now, as I think of it, just the idea back then that I could end it all, that it is possible to die, probably gave me a lot more courage to deal with the devil. Once you know that there's a way out, it's much easier to fight harder. That's what I think.

Now, fall 2006, I'm in cycle, which is taking its toll on me. But I also am aware that there are incredible people who support me. That there are plenty of treatments have not yet tried and that I can beat this thing. I know what it's like to be PF for months. I know that it's possible to live a normal life in remission. That's what keeps me hopeful, happy and optimistic now.

I'm stronger than the beast.