In pain mode

I used to wonder for hours why me? I do I get ch? What have I done? What did I say? What I didn't do? What I ate? and the list went on and on.

Well, this time around I decided after the first "why me" question that I will not waste any of my time with that. Because, I probably will never find the answer. So I might as well enjoy to the fullest those precious moments when I have PF time and concentrade on dealing with the pain when I'm getting hit. Everything else can wait.

This Monday I had a rough morning: 3 horrible hits before noon... And my face was feeling the pain hours after the hits had vanished. It was terrible! The only good thing about that was that I did not get hit on Tuesday nor Wednesday. Just shadows. Yesterday morning begun with shadows, ended with 2 hits. Not great. And today... well, shadows so far. I did wake up being manic... that happends sometimes in the morning after taking a Red Bull.

Part of me is worried that what will happen when my boyfriend will see me getting hit. Why he has managed to miss that is one huge miracle... but he has seen the desperation ch causes and how low my spirits can get, so he has a clue about it. Yet his presence has made all the difference to me, mentally. He even bought me a beautiful blue scarf to cheer me up! His kindness just warms my heart. Being with him has made me stronger, which I need right now. The beast is sucking all the energy and positivity out of me and that sucks. But I'm not feeling hopeless nor suicital, which is fantastic. I feel that I can actually beat this monster. Perhaps not for good, but each battle counts.

Funny, but when people kept on telling me that I get HAs, because I'm being too hard on myself and put myself down. Sure, I did that for years, so it was easy to believe that. But it that would be true with 100 per cent, I would not be in cycle right now. You see, before this cycle started, i was feeling good about myself. Actually, I don't think I have felt as great about being me than I have right now. So that's why I find it difficult to believe that explenation behind this devastating pain. Yet, that one is better than my aunt's... she thinks that I get ch because I imagine it all! Oh, I do wish I had that good imagination...

So, I live in "pain mode" right now. I decided to call those weeks I'm in cycle that. It makes me feel like a fighter and I've decided that I'm a winner each time hit ends. Sure, nobody feels victorious, when pain takes over, but that changes when you're PF again. In my books, a ch sufferer who is still living inspite of it, is a winner.