Counting my blessings

Ever since there has been discussion about ch & suicide at clusterheadaches.com, I've felt emotional haze and bit lost.

I wondered why until it hit me: I haven't really dealed with my mixed emotions from spring 2004, when I was close to taking my own life. I haven't really wondered why I wanted to kill myself. You know, besides the obvious reasons; being a clusterhead with chronic ch and hurting badly day after day without relief. Suffering clusterblues and not getting help from my closeones.

Do you know what it feels like to call your only remaining parent and tell her that you feel empty, depressed, hurting physically and emotionally and that you want to end you life? And her advice is to ignore what you just said and she tells you to "get a donut"! It took a lot of courage and desperation from me to tell her about it and her reply made it worse. It made me feel that I am all alone with this. If the woman who knows me the best cannot tell that my desperation is genuine and I'm at the end of my rope in there, what are the chances that others would?

Now, I do not recall what kept me from actually getting a knife or buying a gun or jumping from a bridge or simply jumping to the tube tracks. I have no idea. That spring is mostly haze to me. I do recall the pain, oh the pain, and the dark thoughts. I read that one can have also passive suicital thoughts, you know, God take me, I wish that bus would hit me, thoughts like that. I had a bunch of them back then. And I do recall praying that God would show me a reason to live or take me.

I remember waking up from that haze sometime in August that year. Nothing special took place (I was on ch meds, though, but still getting hit), I just didn't feel as bad about life and living. But looking back now, those months were my "make it or break it" - time. I understood that I had a choice and I chose life.

I'm not saying that my life has been easy since; it has not. And I'm sure that I've lived an easy life in comparison to many others. Back then I was a different woman. I'm a lot stronger, healthier, happier. Back then I had no idea what love is. I know a lot more about it now. I believe that everything has its purpose. They say that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I can't say that I would understand why I get ch, but it has made me a hell of a lot stronger than I was before I got it.

Now, the question is, could I get back in that dark place I was in 2004? Naturally, future is unknown territory, but I'd say no. I know so much more about ch, medications, treatments and I have more faith in myself, in life and I have people who support me. And, to be honest, I feel that I live in complitely another level now. In this level, suicide is a thought of the past. It's not an option for me. It's not part of my future.

At this particular moment, I do not have dreams to follow. I'm not sure if it's a bad thing or a good one. Maybe it's just honesty. Maybe it's just a self protection thing while in cycle. Maybe it's total understanding and happiness. I'll let you know when I've solved this mystery (hah hah hah) out.

But I wil tell you that I'm feeling good about my life in general. I've been nearly 10 months with a wonderful man, I'm working on my dissertation, I'm thinking about my future and you know what? The great unknown does not feel that scary anymore.

On this particular moment I'm not worried about what the next page in the book called My Life will bring. May it be skin cancer (I got worried about one part of my face that I book an appointment to see a doc about it - just to be sure), ch turning chronic, marriage & kids, job as a journalist at Helsingin Sanomat, writing a bestseller novel... whatever the future brings, I'll welcome it with open arms. I've been counting my blessings and there are many of them. =)