In pain mode

I used to wonder for hours why me? I do I get ch? What have I done? What did I say? What I didn't do? What I ate? and the list went on and on.

Well, this time around I decided after the first "why me" question that I will not waste any of my time with that. Because, I probably will never find the answer. So I might as well enjoy to the fullest those precious moments when I have PF time and concentrade on dealing with the pain when I'm getting hit. Everything else can wait.

This Monday I had a rough morning: 3 horrible hits before noon... And my face was feeling the pain hours after the hits had vanished. It was terrible! The only good thing about that was that I did not get hit on Tuesday nor Wednesday. Just shadows. Yesterday morning begun with shadows, ended with 2 hits. Not great. And today... well, shadows so far. I did wake up being manic... that happends sometimes in the morning after taking a Red Bull.

Part of me is worried that what will happen when my boyfriend will see me getting hit. Why he has managed to miss that is one huge miracle... but he has seen the desperation ch causes and how low my spirits can get, so he has a clue about it. Yet his presence has made all the difference to me, mentally. He even bought me a beautiful blue scarf to cheer me up! His kindness just warms my heart. Being with him has made me stronger, which I need right now. The beast is sucking all the energy and positivity out of me and that sucks. But I'm not feeling hopeless nor suicital, which is fantastic. I feel that I can actually beat this monster. Perhaps not for good, but each battle counts.

Funny, but when people kept on telling me that I get HAs, because I'm being too hard on myself and put myself down. Sure, I did that for years, so it was easy to believe that. But it that would be true with 100 per cent, I would not be in cycle right now. You see, before this cycle started, i was feeling good about myself. Actually, I don't think I have felt as great about being me than I have right now. So that's why I find it difficult to believe that explenation behind this devastating pain. Yet, that one is better than my aunt's... she thinks that I get ch because I imagine it all! Oh, I do wish I had that good imagination...

So, I live in "pain mode" right now. I decided to call those weeks I'm in cycle that. It makes me feel like a fighter and I've decided that I'm a winner each time hit ends. Sure, nobody feels victorious, when pain takes over, but that changes when you're PF again. In my books, a ch sufferer who is still living inspite of it, is a winner.

Pain on a sunny day

So, it's here again. The beast. The Devil. CH.

Well, I begun to think that I have, you know, got some sort emotional victory over it, but no. 4 kip 2s yesterday, persistent shadows this morning. I'm having a ball in here! =(

And no wonder it's back earlier than usual... I started at my new job yesterday and although the job in question is not exactly brain surgery, I suppose doing new things bring always some stress with it. Now I think about quitting. AND I'M NO QUITTER.

The beast sure knows how to get you down... I wish I knew how it does it, you know. I was satisfied with my first day at work (although I got hit in there), and I was happy and somewhat up beat about my future. Now I feel some darker shades slowly creeping in, which is not nice nor welcomed. I have a disseration to write, 2 essays to do, lots of books to read, present to find, train journey ahead of me and 2 important parties to attend this weekend. I know in advance that there'll be lack of sleep, too, but I suppose it least of my worries this very minute.

I feel like going back to bed and sleep the day away... well, until 12.30pm, when I need to leave to meet up with my boyfriend in time. And you know, sleep after that, but only until 9pm, when House premieres in here... I've been waiting for that show to start for such a long time. I don't want to miss it for the world.

If you'd know me, you'd know that "going back to bed" is not words I use when I speak about my plans for the day. That's not me. Or is giving up, panicking nor quitting. Yet all of them are running around in my mind right now. Ch depression mode, go to hell and take the shadows and the devil with you. I have a life to live.

Now, I'm Miss Optimistic. But this very moment I do not feel like one. I feel pretty empty. And just a bit scared. I'm scared that the beast will come and ruin my life; making each cycle worse and worse and destroy everything good I've managed to build during my PF time.

Most of all, I'm afraid that what will happen to my relationship. We've been together for 9 months and 8 days and he has not seen me getting hit yet. I have no idea how he will react when it happends... He's been nothing but supportive and wonderful what comes to all things related to ch so far, but I've seen long marriages and partnerships crash and collide because of ch. Yet, I don't want to lie to him and hide my pain and hits.

If the beast will begin its full war with me soon, I'm going to need his understanding and support and I'm afraid that I'll be too needy in his eyes... I suppose that comes down to my own fears of taking too much of something from others when I truly need them. And well, this situation IS new for me. I've never had a ch supporter outside clusterheadaches.com before. I wish so badly that this all CHit is not too much for him. I love him so much and losing him because of this beast would be a loss too huge to bare.... Only if the devil would come in regularly (like I hoped it would if it really has to come...), I could tell him that sure, I get hit, but it's only x weeks, then it will over for a y amount of time. But it's not that simple with this thing, oh no.

Heh, I wish that I had a job at a supermarket. It would not be that bad to get hit when you put stuff to shelves! So many things can go wrong with ch and this job. Perhaps too much, actually. The computer system I have to use is complicated as it is and harder to use than it should be. In other words, it's a challenge on a PF day, not to mention on a ch one. I have no idea what to do... Maybe I should talk about this with my boyfried when we meet... Maybe I should ask my supervisors, if I could begun with day shifts soon. Maybe I should give it a week and see if I get hit more. Maybe I should just draw conclusions and quit while my life is still manageable. But it's so odd to even think about something like this! It's so not me... I'm not like my cousin, who quit one job just after a day in there. But I feel that way right now.

I feel drained. I feel weak, physically. I'm tired, sad, I even cried earlier. I can count the days I've cried in the morning with one hand; it's rare for me. Well, I suppose this whole situation is weird. I feel so... I can't even find a proper word for this!

The sun is shining outside... it's a beautiful day in here. Still, it might as well be cloudy or raining. I feel like I'm losing a battle and I hate that. I'm a fighter, but I feel too tired to fight, which is unlike me. Simple things like sunshine usually make me happy. Now... well, that's life with ch sometimes, I suppose.

I know that the pain ends. I know that cycles come and go. There will be great supporters at ch.com - thank God for them - but what's left of me and my life when this ends? That's what I'm scared to find out.

Everytime I'm with you

Everytime I'm with You

Everytime I'm with you
I feel stronger
everytime I'm with you
I'll get a hold of her
that's me
the woman I'm meant to be

Everytime I'm with you
I feel free

Everytime I'm with you
I feel bolder
everytime I'm with you
my wounds are bit more healed

Everytime I'm with you
my heart grows more open
everytime I'm with you
I feel
more like me

This is little something I wrote today. It's lyrics to a song.

Signs, signs

It's funny how sometimes us modern people turn to silly signs to see if we'll get what we want, we're where we're supposed to be in life and, naturally, that we're with the one we're supposed to be with.

Have I asked for signs? Guilty as charged, officer.

But, apparently, it runs in my family. You see, last weekend, when my mother and I spent some time at our summer cottage, I found out that she isn't playing with card just for fun like I do. Oh no. At times she asks the cards a question and if the game goes well, the answer is yes. Interestingly, but one morning she announced that she had asked the cards if I was with the man who is the right one for me. Apparently, the cards replied quickly "yes".

For most people this may sound something silly, but not to me. My mother is not one of those women who rely on their hearts with things. No, she uses her head and trusts on her sense and reason. So, naturally, when she asked a question like that from a deck of cards, I found that oddly amusing and yet comforting.

You see, I have asked some signs on the matter myself. When I saw two swans on the lake, I whispered: if we're meant to be, please, swans, be here to greet him and me when we come here together... Sounds silly? Perhaps. I didn't give it much of a thought until we arrived together to the see the lake view for the first time and there were two swans quite near. These things happen, sure, but still I smiled thrugh that day.

I also asked a sign about another matter as well. I hoped to get some kind of clear sign, which would point to me how one thing, which is worrying me, will turn out. Well, last weekend I got my sign and once again I can thank swans for delivering it to me.

I suppose it is weird that we count on little signs when we're sorting our lives out. It is comforting to know that when one is wondering a question/some situation and hopes for a clear sign and it turns up. Of course it could be that those "signs" are in fact just random events, which occur every day, everywhere and nobody pays that much attention to them until one has asked for a sign. In other words, we decide that something we see is the sign we want/hope/need... It could be. Yet it is so simple to trust them and believe in them.

Quote of the Day

"The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind."
(Dr. Wayne W. Dyer)

Quote of the Day

"Dance like no one is watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like no one is listening,
Live like it's heaven on earth."
(William Purkey)

9 months tomorrow!

Tomorrow me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 magical months. =)

We try to do something special every month on the day in question or as soon as possible after that. It's nothing extravagant, we just simply eat well, talk, laugh and enjoy the day/few hours together.

Tomorrow we're going to eat out at Golden Rax pizza buffet. It's all you can eat at certain price kind of place. I've never been there, but I've wanted to visit it for a while now. And now we have many good reasons; they have America weeks now, which ends on Sunday, so naturally two America nuts like we are cannot possibly miss an opportunity like this.

I think that it's important to cherish the relationship, no matter how fresh or mature it is. Recalling the special days with special things makes the bond stronger. Besides, I'm one romantic at heart and I just love cherishing love! I haven't always been like this, so I enjoy it now to the fullest.

Tuesdays with shadows

What it is about Tuesdays???

I got heavy shadowing last Tuesday and again today... It begun in the morning and went on-off until around 5pm. Weird.

I could understand this if I'd get shadows every day, but NO, mostly Tuesdays. I see a pattern here... I wish I could say the same about the weather (ok, it was bit warmer day today), my eathing habits, my sleeping habits or stress level (I have less of it now!), and it's not even October/November (my ch time) yet!

So the only logical answer is that it's just the beast being the beast and nothing more. I had stocked up with energydrinks, caffeinetabs etc., so I'll be ready when it comes. And a friend of mine promised to send some taurine from London when she gets there, yahoo! I do have lots of Anadin Extras left also...

But it will be interesting to see, if there's some more shadows/hits on the way week from now... Watch this space!

Quote of the Day

"It may be that those who do most, dream most."
(Stephen Leacock)

Who knows where this all leads

The sun shines over rainly land
the rays cannot hear you cry
as warm, as kind as the shine might be
it can't help you to stop those tears

She cries, oh she cries
only part of her knows why

Where does this all lead
who knows where this all leads

her heart bleads
too many questions with no answers
keep her up at night
she had no idea how to make it alright

Where does this all lead
who knows where this all leads
Where does this all lead
who knows where this all leads

She wants to know
she wants to know more than ever
will there be any love left
when she finds it all out...

Just a little something I just wrote.

The night before

It's raining outside once again. I'm feeling relaxed and calm.

Although 16 hours from now it all could change, as then I'll be at job interview. Sure, the position is just a tele reseacher or something like that and I've had jobs with more responsibilities before, but I need a job badly. So I hope that I'll get it.

I just wonder that why they'll need 30 minutes? She already asked me a lot of Qs over the phone! That was bit odd... But whatever. If it goes badly, it'll be comedyvalue in few days anyway. And I'll be at my boyfriend's somewhat 6 hours after that! =)

I found out earlier today that there's a vacancy at Seven Days magazine for a full-time journalist. I'm going to apply! I do read the gossip columns every once in a while and a young journalist has to start her career somewhere. I can write about pain, so why not about fame? Besides, I've already worked at the same company at telesales, so I know that they have a great atmophere. And full-time job as a journalist is always a full-time job as a journalist! And I want that.

I met the guidance counsillor and my tutor today. I had no expectations and both meetings turned out great! The counsillor, a man for change, confirmed that I need to do exactly those courses than I thought and I got useful advices & support from my tutor. I was so excited when I left. And full of energy! Why can't all meethings go as easily and smootly???

My boyfriend called me twice today. It was great to hear him so happy, so excited! It made me smile... =) I can't wait to hear how his trip with his boss will go... they'll leave early tomorrow morning and return sometime in the late afternoon/early evening.

It's kinda soothing to listen to the sound of the raindrops on my window... Good way to end this busy, eventful day.

Heaven is a candle

This afternoon when I was looking for a gift to friend of mine, I stepped into a small store called "Kaira House". They sell lots of nice stuff and I like visiting it time to time.

Well, this time I found something great: a small candle, shape of a chocolate muffin or cake, which had the scent of chocolate as well. But that smell! It was DIVINE! Absolutely out of this world in a good way.

I'm not that interested in chocolate, but still, I'd call those candles, little pieces of Heaven on Earth anyway. It's the best and easiest way to describe them. I nearly bought one of them! I love the smell of chocolate (way more than taste) and I adore candles.

Why I didn't? Well, I have a tight budget this month, so even a small prize of 2.50 euros was too much at this point. Let's see about that later. Like next month or for Christmas. After all, I always buy little something nice for myself, as well.

What remains?

Yesterday I got thinking about death and dying, in general, though.

I had just read that fellow clusterhead had passed away. It made me think, once again, how precious life truly is. We never know when we take our last breath. We'll never know when we'll see our loved-ones for the last time. Every day could be the last...

When I talked with my friend over the phone, I understood something I had known for a while. I don't need much to be happy. I don't need much to have a full life. (Sure, I'm writing this piece of post in front of a new desk me & my boyfriend got for me from the halls of residence storage; but this is old desk, it's just new to me.)

I understood that I can live happily without most of the things I have in my room here and the one in Helsinki. In fact, I've realised, my happiness relies on complitely other matters than them. I do need the computer, phone and TV for my studies and general communication; a bed where to sleep; some cooking and eating devises, clothes and shoes... but my point is that I'm not owned, controlled or complitely depending on them. If they break down, as they in some point will, I can replace them. No harm done.

But that same does not apply to people. They cannot be replaced. Sure, lots of folkes have tried that... When they lose a friend, they can get another. When their marriage fails, they can get another spouse. But it's never the same and there will always be differences in opinions, conflicts, arguments, whatever. In that sense, one can only rely on oneself.

But, also, the same goes with the happy, wonderful, magical times, days and moments. They will never be the same with someone else, either. We all come with many sides. And believe me, all the people in our lives are here to teach us a lesson of some sort. Some of us are not wise enough to understand that and that's why it is so much easier to just say sayonara and move on to the next person, next friend, next relationship - only to find that there will be problems there, too. Sometimes the very same ones, as you can leave many things behind, but yourself is not one of them.

That is why I'm taking things patiently. I know that I've learned a lot in this time, more than some others will in a lifetime, and there will be many other lessons to be learned. Like it has been said: 'the teacher will arrive when the student is ready'. Now, it will be interesting to find out what lesson one of my flatmates is here to teach me. I can tell that she will. I'm not sure whether it's about accepting some side of me or paking peace with someone from my past or what. Time will tell.

Knowing that the people in my life are the kind they are has made me calm and peaceful. I have no intention to even try to change them. What's the point in that? They are who they are no matter what I think. Naturally I will share my opinion, but I just do not see the point in hurting others intentionally. I bet I have hurt them enough without even knowing about it.

Long time ago, when I was not feeling as good about myself as I do now, and I walked down the street and saw something "wrong" in someone else, something I thought on my mind that she/he should change, I gave mental advices to that person. You know, 'change that shirt, re-think that bag, lose weight, wash your hair', that sort of thing. These days I can laugh about that. How I got rid of that? That's easy. I healed myself and thought about my own life when I had the urge to 'give advice' to someone else.

These days I tell my opinion in a discussion (I'm not a fan of monologues) and when someone asks me what I think about something/somebody/whatever.

I also try not to worry about disasters which have not happen yet. You know, in case they do not happen at all! (Although I must admit that sometimes I do feel the comfort for knowing that I can handle the crisis without needing to actually test my skills in handeling it in real life...) There was a time in my life when I worried about my dreams... that my life would be wasted if my dreams do not take place. I do not do that, either. Why? Because I'm happy about something every day. I don't dream about impossible things, yet I think about my dreams as luxuries: if you can get them, fantastic, but already the thought of them makes you happy.

In the end, if everything else would be taken away, I have myself. My thoughts, my ideals, my values, my dreams. I'll always have them.

Deeper

I had a wonderful weekend at my boyfriend's.

We spend most of our weekends together and to be honest, we have a wonderful time no matter where we are and what we do. We've been together for nearly 9 months now and our relationship feels better and better.

What can I say? I feel grateful that I've met him. I feel fourtunate that I was ready for love and when I found it in him, I was not scared to embrace it. Like I've written before, I'm a different woman now and I like it. I'm also 100 per cent certain that I would not be the person I am without him and the lessons I've learned from him and being with him.

I read today articles about love and relationships. I read that the kind of love, which is behind successful relationships is mixture of love, friendship, passion, compassion, understanding and sacrifice. I know what it means... It's the same thing than "do you want to be right - or happy?".

Everyone needs to make a compromise every now and then. Sometimes one needs to forget ones own strict opinions and open for partner's thoughts, needs, hopes, dreams and likes. Naturally, one must not make compromises on ones own values and identity. I plan to be who I am - and let him be him.

My mother comes from the generation, who believes that woman can and should change her man. I don't agree with that. I belive in couples doing together decisions about their lifes together, but supporting each other with the things they do separetly. When I talked about applying a job in Canada, my boyfriend said there and then that I should. Without hesitation, without weird comments or remarks. Real, plain support. That' s the way it should be, with every couple, about everything. You're a team, right?

People have asked me about marriage. We've heard comments about it. But do I feel there pressure about it? I can honestly say that I don't. I do want to get married, but I also believe in things taking place in their own time. We haven't been together even for a year... But if someone asked me, I'd say that he's the kind of man I'd marry. No question about it.

When I saw peoples comments about love and relationships, some of them made me grin. I don't have to question, whether he loves me or my love for him; I don't feel the need to question if we have a future together - I know we do. I do not feel the pressure, because I'm enjoying every day, every week, every month. And you know what? I love him more now than I did on the day I first said "I love you" to him.

Hopeful now

It has been raining the whole day!
Luckily for me, only in the outside, not in my eyes.

I'm yet to meet my 3rd flatmate, but at least I know them all by name. And things seem promising! I'm excited about that! I actually nearly criend from joy when someone took the trash out - somebody else than me! (I've told you that little things make me happy...)

I also called about a job. I was already interviewed over the phone, but she wants to meet me on Friday. Fine, I'll go. If I won't get the position (I have a good feeling about this), I'm sure that I'll get material for a sitcom - or just life experience. Other words, I won't be wasting my time anyway.

If schedules won't alter, I'll meet the guidance counsillor on Thursday; right after I'm meeting my tutor. It will be one interesting day if it takes place like that. But, yes, I'm a lot wiser afterwards.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot more hopeful about my life. FANTASTIC!

Moving in, dressing up, oh crap

For the last few days I've been holding my breath, because I've seen huge cars neaby and people moving in and out of the houses and flats next door.

I could quess that there'll be people moving in to this flat I've lived since fall 2004 as well. But how many? What kind? When?

Well, yesterday I got my answer. There'll be 3 of them and they're moving in NOW.

One of the girls is also called Sanna and she seems very nice. Young, but nice. She's here to study teaching. The other girl who just checked her room out seem ok as well, I didn't catch her name yet, though. I know people pretty well and if one of these girls will be trouble, it's going to be her. But who knows? Maybe the trouble will be ouside my territory, a.k.a. this flat.

I have no idea what kind of girl will move to the room next to mine, there's no sign of her yet. And unless she moves in this afternoon, I won't be seeing her before Sunday, as I'm going to go to my boyfriend's. It's a good place to be when people are moving their stuff in!

Now, I was used to the calm silence of this flat. Maybe bit too much, actually... So I was bit panicking when I first saw people moving in to the other flats. But now I'm slowly getting used to the idea that there'll be others in the place again.

Naturally that means that I cannot walk around in my comfy clothes again just like I've used to - when they have pals over, that is. Perhaps they would not think much of it, but I'd be bit uncomfortable walking around in my shirts and t-shirts when there's more than just me around...

And I bet that I'll be checking that nobody uses my plates and forks and blender without asking first. And I have to make sure that everybody are doing their share of the household chores, so I already placed empty "household chores to do list" on the kitchen wall. Once everybody are in here, I'll fill in everybody's names and explain how things have been done in the past around here. So no more banana fly invasions, thank you!