What remains?

Yesterday I got thinking about death and dying, in general, though.

I had just read that fellow clusterhead had passed away. It made me think, once again, how precious life truly is. We never know when we take our last breath. We'll never know when we'll see our loved-ones for the last time. Every day could be the last...

When I talked with my friend over the phone, I understood something I had known for a while. I don't need much to be happy. I don't need much to have a full life. (Sure, I'm writing this piece of post in front of a new desk me & my boyfriend got for me from the halls of residence storage; but this is old desk, it's just new to me.)

I understood that I can live happily without most of the things I have in my room here and the one in Helsinki. In fact, I've realised, my happiness relies on complitely other matters than them. I do need the computer, phone and TV for my studies and general communication; a bed where to sleep; some cooking and eating devises, clothes and shoes... but my point is that I'm not owned, controlled or complitely depending on them. If they break down, as they in some point will, I can replace them. No harm done.

But that same does not apply to people. They cannot be replaced. Sure, lots of folkes have tried that... When they lose a friend, they can get another. When their marriage fails, they can get another spouse. But it's never the same and there will always be differences in opinions, conflicts, arguments, whatever. In that sense, one can only rely on oneself.

But, also, the same goes with the happy, wonderful, magical times, days and moments. They will never be the same with someone else, either. We all come with many sides. And believe me, all the people in our lives are here to teach us a lesson of some sort. Some of us are not wise enough to understand that and that's why it is so much easier to just say sayonara and move on to the next person, next friend, next relationship - only to find that there will be problems there, too. Sometimes the very same ones, as you can leave many things behind, but yourself is not one of them.

That is why I'm taking things patiently. I know that I've learned a lot in this time, more than some others will in a lifetime, and there will be many other lessons to be learned. Like it has been said: 'the teacher will arrive when the student is ready'. Now, it will be interesting to find out what lesson one of my flatmates is here to teach me. I can tell that she will. I'm not sure whether it's about accepting some side of me or paking peace with someone from my past or what. Time will tell.

Knowing that the people in my life are the kind they are has made me calm and peaceful. I have no intention to even try to change them. What's the point in that? They are who they are no matter what I think. Naturally I will share my opinion, but I just do not see the point in hurting others intentionally. I bet I have hurt them enough without even knowing about it.

Long time ago, when I was not feeling as good about myself as I do now, and I walked down the street and saw something "wrong" in someone else, something I thought on my mind that she/he should change, I gave mental advices to that person. You know, 'change that shirt, re-think that bag, lose weight, wash your hair', that sort of thing. These days I can laugh about that. How I got rid of that? That's easy. I healed myself and thought about my own life when I had the urge to 'give advice' to someone else.

These days I tell my opinion in a discussion (I'm not a fan of monologues) and when someone asks me what I think about something/somebody/whatever.

I also try not to worry about disasters which have not happen yet. You know, in case they do not happen at all! (Although I must admit that sometimes I do feel the comfort for knowing that I can handle the crisis without needing to actually test my skills in handeling it in real life...) There was a time in my life when I worried about my dreams... that my life would be wasted if my dreams do not take place. I do not do that, either. Why? Because I'm happy about something every day. I don't dream about impossible things, yet I think about my dreams as luxuries: if you can get them, fantastic, but already the thought of them makes you happy.

In the end, if everything else would be taken away, I have myself. My thoughts, my ideals, my values, my dreams. I'll always have them.