Let love make it all better

I read once that the secret of a wonderful, lasting marriage lies simply, that the couple never ever falls out love on the same time. Meaning, that when one is having doubts, the other is ready to fight for the love.

I believe that it's true.

Tomorrow I've been in a relationship for 10 months. It's also Friday 13th and I'm not least of bit scared. One of my childhood horoscopes said that 13th is my lucky day and I since I met this special guy, I believed that it's true.

I've felt bit blue this week. But I feel so much better now... My boyfriend visited me after work. We had pasta bolognese, talked, laughed, watched 3 episodes of Will and Grace and just spend time together. It was simple and wonderful. Just what the doctor ordered. =)

Spending time together tonight made me understand how much it means to be with someone who you love and who loves you in return. It gives you so much strength to carry on. It makes hard moments easier and happy moments even better. And I'm not taking any of the wonderful moments for granded. I think of them as gifts from above.

Ok, I admit it. On this very moment I'm smiling so broadly that if I keep on doing that, it's going to hurt soon. My crime is being far too happy! ;-)

But hey, life throws so many things at you. When you're happy, be that with your whole heart. As we all know from experience, books, movies and tv-shows... no matter how happy your storyline is this moment, it can all change some day soon and then you'll need all those great moments to keep you going. So, for now, I let love make it all better. May this feeling last longer than tonight! =)

Counting my blessings

Ever since there has been discussion about ch & suicide at clusterheadaches.com, I've felt emotional haze and bit lost.

I wondered why until it hit me: I haven't really dealed with my mixed emotions from spring 2004, when I was close to taking my own life. I haven't really wondered why I wanted to kill myself. You know, besides the obvious reasons; being a clusterhead with chronic ch and hurting badly day after day without relief. Suffering clusterblues and not getting help from my closeones.

Do you know what it feels like to call your only remaining parent and tell her that you feel empty, depressed, hurting physically and emotionally and that you want to end you life? And her advice is to ignore what you just said and she tells you to "get a donut"! It took a lot of courage and desperation from me to tell her about it and her reply made it worse. It made me feel that I am all alone with this. If the woman who knows me the best cannot tell that my desperation is genuine and I'm at the end of my rope in there, what are the chances that others would?

Now, I do not recall what kept me from actually getting a knife or buying a gun or jumping from a bridge or simply jumping to the tube tracks. I have no idea. That spring is mostly haze to me. I do recall the pain, oh the pain, and the dark thoughts. I read that one can have also passive suicital thoughts, you know, God take me, I wish that bus would hit me, thoughts like that. I had a bunch of them back then. And I do recall praying that God would show me a reason to live or take me.

I remember waking up from that haze sometime in August that year. Nothing special took place (I was on ch meds, though, but still getting hit), I just didn't feel as bad about life and living. But looking back now, those months were my "make it or break it" - time. I understood that I had a choice and I chose life.

I'm not saying that my life has been easy since; it has not. And I'm sure that I've lived an easy life in comparison to many others. Back then I was a different woman. I'm a lot stronger, healthier, happier. Back then I had no idea what love is. I know a lot more about it now. I believe that everything has its purpose. They say that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I can't say that I would understand why I get ch, but it has made me a hell of a lot stronger than I was before I got it.

Now, the question is, could I get back in that dark place I was in 2004? Naturally, future is unknown territory, but I'd say no. I know so much more about ch, medications, treatments and I have more faith in myself, in life and I have people who support me. And, to be honest, I feel that I live in complitely another level now. In this level, suicide is a thought of the past. It's not an option for me. It's not part of my future.

At this particular moment, I do not have dreams to follow. I'm not sure if it's a bad thing or a good one. Maybe it's just honesty. Maybe it's just a self protection thing while in cycle. Maybe it's total understanding and happiness. I'll let you know when I've solved this mystery (hah hah hah) out.

But I wil tell you that I'm feeling good about my life in general. I've been nearly 10 months with a wonderful man, I'm working on my dissertation, I'm thinking about my future and you know what? The great unknown does not feel that scary anymore.

On this particular moment I'm not worried about what the next page in the book called My Life will bring. May it be skin cancer (I got worried about one part of my face that I book an appointment to see a doc about it - just to be sure), ch turning chronic, marriage & kids, job as a journalist at Helsingin Sanomat, writing a bestseller novel... whatever the future brings, I'll welcome it with open arms. I've been counting my blessings and there are many of them. =)

Blank page

It has been one grey day. I took two walks and tried to understand this all.

I found out yesterday that a fellow clusterhead had committed suicide. It made me extremely sad, but on the same time, I understood. I have been there, painwise. In spring 2004, when I was still chronic ch sufferer, I was sure that I would never ever see Finland. I was sure that I would come back from London in a coffin. But did I try to kill myself? No, I didn't. But, on my darkest hour, I thought about it. And that thought gave me strength to go on with my battle against ch.

I have wondered today that what was the reason why I'm still here? Where did I get the strength, the faith, the hope? I have no idea. It wasn't the meds, because my neuro at the time didn't perscribe me any after topomax failed me and my GP was to coward to give me any. It wasn't support from my mum, because it took her until this year to get ch. So what's my answer, then? The support from my ch family and God must have had more things planned for me.

Here and now, as I think of it, just the idea back then that I could end it all, that it is possible to die, probably gave me a lot more courage to deal with the devil. Once you know that there's a way out, it's much easier to fight harder. That's what I think.

Now, fall 2006, I'm in cycle, which is taking its toll on me. But I also am aware that there are incredible people who support me. That there are plenty of treatments have not yet tried and that I can beat this thing. I know what it's like to be PF for months. I know that it's possible to live a normal life in remission. That's what keeps me hopeful, happy and optimistic now.

I'm stronger than the beast.

O Happy Day

What a difference a day makes!

5 hits yesterday and a emotional crisis, 2 hits today and plenty to smile about.

You see, when I came from the library, the sun was suddenly shining. It was wonderful! Sun and the blue sky... Haven't seen them in a long, long time. What a blessing!

Then I went to run some errans and I stumbled across the mid-season sales. I found that the shirt I had been eyeing on few days ago is now on sale and I got it on half the price! Naturally, I got two, black and brown. It's a Espirit shirt with glittering text "NYC". I love it!

I decided to visit Vila, a new clothes store in this town. I have been there just once before. I went, because I recalled that they have some nice jewellery in stock. Well, this time it was not the jewellery which got my attention, but the bags. They had few of them on sale and I realised that one of them, a black leather bag, was exactly the kind of bag I had been looking for all around the town for the past months. And now I got it! It cost me only 5 euros! What a bargain.

When I came home, a nice surprise what waiting for me: a card from my clusterheadaches.com pal Lizzie. She sends beautiful card every now and then and this one found its way to my house just when I needed it the most. Thank you so much, Lizzie! =)

It has been one amazingly great day! More days like these, thank you! Heh heh... When one lives with ch, one sure knows how to count all the blessings. I've been smiling ever since the two ch hits I had this morning faded away. What a happy, happy day!

Black & white

Sometimes life is full of surprises.

Like Monday. Gwen showed up to my door with her stuff and stayed over until this afternoon. I thought that she was going to visit me for few hours. But, instead, I was able to introduce Timo to her. And I got to spend some time with Gwen proberly before she leaves for London on Friday.

Then there's Tuesday, when I got hit more times than I could count. And nothing, bloody nothing, seemed to work! Not caffeine tabs, not vicks, not energy drink... then I swallowed a couple of Anadin extras and voila! Ch was gone.

And then we get to today... when Timo came over again and we talked and relaxed together. He joked that perhaps he should buy two cute little baby quinea pigs (which we had seen on a pet store together) for me. What a lovely thought! There's just tiny little problem with that... Now I can't stop thinking about those two guinea pigs! I'm serious... I'm totally nuts about guinea pigs, I love them, I adore them. And I'm probably going to go see them tomorrow if this pace of thinking keeps on repeating itself... ;-)