Sure, blame the ch

The other day I got an email from my ex. I don't feel like turning time and going back to the past, but I had to respond to the things he wrote.

And, after few days of thinking, I decided to tell him how I saw our relationship: the negative things, which he had managed to ignore about himself. I wrote one draft and realised that I don't want to be that honest. So I let a day pass the text by, read it again, and took away some of the stuff, but left the content the same.

His response was 6 pages long. I was surprised to find that he had done some thinking on his part about what he had said and done. I didn't think that kind of development would happen...

But the most interesting part was that now, after some time, he had added another reason to his list of things which broke us up: my ch.

Oh yes, you read that one right. He actually believes that my ch has something to do with the fact that I decided to go... Our break up has, actually, very little to do with ch. Sure, the beast comes and goes in my life, but the pain and suffering which caused me to end it had everything to do with him, his behaviour and that alone.

I know too well what living with ch is. He walked that road as a partner, really, for those year and 7 months we lived together; what he saw before that was nothing. He might have understood parts of it, but not the whole picture. He would have not said some of the things he said nor done some of the things he did if he had understood it better.

I know that it is incredibly difficult to undestand someone else's pain, but using it as another reason is just an excuse. He wanted to skip blaming himself, so he blames ch. That is, I believe, another sign of his "emotional weakness", as he called himself his bad behaviour towards me.

Relationships take time, effort, work and dedication. I was ready to do that, but he didn't. I was the one who moved out, but he had emotionally checked out a lot earlier than that. I gave him and us a chance and tried my best to turn things around and love alone. But then came the day when I was emotionally finished and depressed, and I understood that there was very little strength and love left, and I would be in the verge of total breakdown soon. So I left, for myself. I had nothing left and nothing left to give.

I fully understood how low I had been once I left and had begun a new life. My deep depression simply flew away just like that and I felt like living and loving again. The friends who know me so well told me that they had seen that I'm not alright and that now I am.

The funny thing is, that as I type this, 2009 is very young year, but it also a year in which I've got hit every single day. Ch is part of my life strongly right now. Still, the idea of the pain has not stopped me from meeting new people and feeling hopeful that someone will love me as I am, inspite of ch and everything it brings with it.

My friends at ch.com reminded me about the great things I happen to be the other day. They reminded me about the wonderful relationships many of them have in which ch has not scared the other person the slightest. We all have "crosses to bare" and ch is part of my history, today and future. I cannot tell what that someone will think about it nor if it will scare him away. I can't tell when my next hit comes nor how long my next cycle will last. But I do know this: I can make sure that I'm as sunny as I've been between the hits and cycles and that there is that special someone out there who will love me as I am.