Roleplay

Daughters, teenagers, mothers, wives, friends, goddaughters, granddaughters, girlfriends, children, co-workers, ourselves... various are the roles we play.

I've been wondering those roles lately. Now, where exactly do they come from?
Is there is magical code, which is activated as the role changes? Or is it just a question about age?

John Gray wrote that every 7th year in one's life means a different stage in life. 0-7, 7-14, 14-21, 21-28 and so on. I'm currently in "developing one's identity"- stage. The next one is "relationship" one. Can't wait! No matter what one might thing about those stages, but in my case, it is (at least for now) very much true.

During the last two years I've been asking more and more those core questions one needs to ask herself in one point. It's been interesting to say at least. And the time of inner growing. I'm miles away from the woman I was at 21. I don't think I would even recognise her...

I don't think that the roles we play are that clear. I don't think that we just decide be a different person when we're at our friend's company than when we're with our co-workers, parents or relatives. It just happends. Naturally there are people who are exactly the same where ever they are.

Of course, that doesn't mean that they would reveal everything about themselves to the people around them. When I'm alone, I might be as brave and crazy as I want to be or as sad, calm or silent as I feel like being. But I do know that I feel like the best version of myself when I'm around the man I love. I've actually felt myself from the day one with him, which is rare and fantastic.

The one who got away

Everyone has the special they nearly had. They could see it, nearly touch it, admire it... and then, just like that, it vanished. For most women the words "the one who got away" mean some handsome man, but that's not the case with me, oh no.

I'm talking about a fish.

One, huge, green fish.

The one I caught with my casting rod with a reel. Twice!
Before it swam away to the lake and vanished for good.

It was so close, so close! It was one big pike. It was strong and long and nearly mine. I can't believe that it was so attracted to my bait that it caught it twice! Yet it managed to escape from our wooden jetty...

Well, every fisherwoman has her tale to tell. I've been fishing as long as I can recall. My dad took me with him to a legendary fishing trip when I was just 3. (It was during one stormy night in the late fall. I didn't have a safety jacket on, neither did he, the waves were high, it was raining and the only thing protecting me was a plastic box dad placed over me. When mum found out about the little adventure she screamed like mad.)

I love fishing. It's one relaxing summertime hobby. I have lots of fond memories from the fishing trips I went to with dad. Even now, years since our last trip (my dad died in 1997), I still get that certain feeling when I'm at our summer cottage and the sun is shining in a certain way and it's around 6pm. Sometimes I walk to the storage, get my casting rod with a reel and pretend that dad's standing next to me when I fish... Perhaps he is.

I do know that losing that pike is certainly not the first time! Me and dad have lost loads of pikes over the years. But still the amount of "the ones who got away" is nothing in comparison to the ones we've got. There are not many things which can make one's heart beat that quickly as it does when you realize that this time you've got a fish in the end of the rod and you two fight the small battle of life and death. I suppose that pike had few more smaller fish to eat.

But that fishing night goes into my fishing history. And that's not because the pike got away but because it was the very first time ever when a fish has caught my bait on the very first time I tried. Usually it takes a lot of time before anything happends - if something does even happen, that is. So it was one great night.

I'm going back to the summer cottage this weekend. Shall I fish then? We'll see. It I have time and the evening is fine, I don't see why not.

But I know for sure that I will be admiring the beautiful view I can see each time I go to our summer cottage. I respect the nature arround me and I feel that I'm part of it a complitely different manner when I'm there, "in the middle of nowhere", far from the busy city life, listening to the sounds of silence... The voices one hears back there are birds, bees, the wind, the waves... sounds like that. It sure melts away lots of troubles and calms restless minds. I wish and hope that everyone could have a place like that to go to.

Each time I go there, I think that we're just visitors in there. The lake and the forest have been there centuries before us and they will be there centuries after we're gone. So we're just co-existing there for a while.

I've learned that kind of love and respect from my father. He never said those words, but he taught me about nature more than any other teacher could have. He just took me to walks around the forest nearby and fishing trips. Those are moments which I treasure all my life. And I do hope that if I am blessed with children, I can lead them to respect the wonders of nature in the same way my father did.

To my readers

This blog is about my life.

I write about my thoughts, my interests, my likes, my dislikes, about all sort of events, which take place in my everyday life. I'm sure that for many these things belong to the "who gives a damn" - section, but I don't care.

This is, so to say, my online diary. Others can read it, so what. I don't write about everything to my real, hidden diaries either. This blog is pretty much as honest as any other diary would be.

And I write about things in the very same manner I write to my notebooks, memos, emails, letters and diaries. If that irritates the f out of somebody, too bad. There are about zillion other things to do, reading this blog is not a compulsory task in anybody's list. Not even in mine.

So read it, ignore it, my world will be the same anyway.

How much can you handle?

All my life I have fought against dark forces.

Some of them come inside of me, but most of them come from the outside. Some of them you can win, some you can tolerate, some you can alter, but most you have to cut loose.

I have been lucky have met people who shine optimism and joy (and I've been with one of them six months). Just knowing them makes this world a better place. I hope that when time will pass me by, those who are left behind, will say the same about me. That's one of my goals in this life.

Unfoutunately I have met my share of people whose purpose in this life is to complain, whine, hate, drag others down and shout at you for no reason at all. People, whose glass is not half empty, but totally empty. Some of them pretend to care about you, but in the end of the day they just worn you out and suck the happiness out of you.

I have been learning about optimism and happiness for the past decade. Actively for the past five years. I'm getting closer to be the woman I want to be. One of the lessons I have come across during these past years is that I should live my life as I want it and let others be where they are. They will always say comments for their own purposes, especially, when they understand that I have something they want to have.

Anais Nin (I'm sorry, I have no idea how to write the name correctly) wrote that we don't experience things as they are, but how we are. That's exactly right. All of our reactions come from our past and have an impact on your present and future.

Personally, I have decided that I've had it with negative comments, bitchy remarks and "I'll-drag-you-down" - kind of people. I've had enough of people telling me that I'm not good enough, strong enough, tall enough, not whatever. I've met so many people who cannot help mentioning something without adding 'I tell you this with only your best in mind', which actually tells you that it has nothing do with something good for me, but solely their own purposes. I've had it!

Sorry world, but I don't have enough time to negative people. I have a happy future waiting for me right here.

One sunny day

It's one HOT day here in Finland. Hot, hot, hot.

The kind of day one would like to sit on a pool the whole day, sipping ice-cold water and just enjoy daydreaming with no care in the world.

Well, I don't have a pool, but I did drink lots of cold water when I came back home from a walk with my boyfriend.

But it's nice to have some sunny, warm days. Especially, when you have ice in the fridge, can take a cold shower any time you like and have huge windows you can open. No problems.

But I must admit that during hot summer days like these, I do think that I'm lucky to live in Finland. It would be bit too much for me to have this hot every day the whole year around. As beautiful as Florida is, I could not move there for good (even though I did dream about it in the past).

Keep it short and sweet

Since I got back into blogging, I've read lots of blogs. I have noticed one interesting thing: my posts are rather short in comparison to many others.

I must admit that I've found that discovery rather funny. And why? Because most of my life teachers have told me to cut down the lenght of my stories. You know, I've always been more of a novelist than a short story writer...

But, I suppose, things have changed now. It seems so silly to write too long blog posts. Sure, I'd have all the space in the world, but I feel that writing too much would not necessarily add more into my point.

So I've decided to keep my posts short and sweet. I can work on that 500 page-long piece of art somewhere else... heh heh.

Phototastic

I have spent the last few days at my family's summer cottage.

I enjoyed those few days to the fullest. Naturally the visit involved lots of physical work, but also peaceful moments, most of which I spent taking photos.

Now, I tried to share those photos with my closeones, but as it turned out, it's not that simple. And why? Because the photo loading service I use had troubles with its server. So it took forever to download the six pics I downloaded. There are lots of more pics I want to share, but they will have to wait.

It was funny to see how lively those photos are! The miracle of digital camera. I could practically smell the scents near the summer cottage when I looked at those photos! It was great, just great. =)

Football crazy yet?

The football world cup is going on. If you have missed it, you must be blind, deaf, own no TV, no radio and live far, far away from civilization and tabloids.

I must be honest here. I'm ice hockey-loving kind of gal, so I was not that excited about the world cup. But, since the games begun, I decided to watch few of them. So far I've found out, that I kind of enjoy watching grown men chasing one ball more than I recalled. Besides, all of my fave teams, England, Brazil, Holland and Argentina have won their games, yahoo!

I have not decided that which are my faves to play in the final... England and Brazil, I suppose. But still I don't know what I'll do, really, when my faves play against each other. You'd think that it's a win-win situation, but no. One fave will also lose... My reaction will be tested already later on this week when Holland and Argentina play against each other. Oh crap...

New lipstick, shoes, clothes - new identity?

The other day I had a blue day. My way to deal with it? I bought a new lipstick.

This time I was just drawn to the direction of very RED lipstick. I bought it and I, naturally, tried it as soon as I got home. And you know, once I stopped crying.

But that lipstick! It looked so vibrant on my lips! Just brilliant. I couldn't help it, I just grinned. I looked great! And my lips and my hair were, for the first time, the same shade of red. It was fantastic...

I was thinking; perhaps, each time when we try on new shoes, clothers, jewellery and make up, we try on a new identity as well. Some new things seem great at the store, and on the first day, but soon they end up staying in the closet, as they don't perfectly fit. And some, especially those you wonder for a while before buying, can feel just right the moment you finally bring them home. I have shoes like that. I have jewellery like that. I have shirt, jeans, skirts and scarfts like that. And now, also, lipstick like that.

Naturally, if the things we buy are our identity, we're about to have an identity crisis each time our favourite lipstick goes out of market...

The Story Of My Life - poem

The Story of My Life

Have you ever wondered
what it is like to live this life
like a dreamer
with no dream to follow
feeling empty
but not complitely hollow

I want to be brave
I want to dare
but most of all
I don't want to have these days
when I'm too tired to care

It's so much easier
to help others than to help myself
so I pretend that I'm fine
that's the story of my life

There are those days
when I just cry
there are those moments
I don't have the strength to try
but I get by
I put on a big, big smile
it's just a masquerade
which makes me feel safe
until I feel like myself again

I can be a guiding light
to everyone else
but I'm as clueless
what comes to myself
what are my scars when others bleed
so I forget what I want, what I need
so here I am, on the ground
wishing someone would pick me up

They say that only the strong will survive
I've always wanted to feel alive
so I pretend that I'm fine
that's the story of my life

I wrote this poem few days ago. I can wrote happy poems when I'm sad and sad poems when I'm happy. This one... well, I just wrote it. That was not the greatest day in my life, but it was not the worst, either. Read what you like from it.

My Family

As I admired my boyfriend's nephew and godson, and the others admiring this cute tiny miracle, I was thinking about the value and complexcity of the word "family".

You see, if you would have asked me, who are my family, I would have replied 10 years ago: me, my mother and my father. But now things have changed. These days my family is huge amount of people, some of them I have not even met.

Who are my family then?
Well, my mother and my boyfriend. My mother's siblings, their spouses and their children, my cousins, and their partners and kids. Then there are my dear friends; from childhood, junior high, high school, university, friends of the family and from clusterheadaches.com.

Naturally, because I'm in love, I'm getting brand new people to add to my family. As long as we're together, my boyfriend's friends and family are part of my family, too.

The word "family" might be hard to explain these days with immediate family, married family, extendened family, one's selected family and etc., but the color, joy, enrichment that all these people bring into one's life cannot be easily explained either. That all is, simply, priceless. I'm already smiling when I just think about my family... =)

Nuts about cashews

I just love cashews! They are so chewy amd yummy...

Mum brought me a huge pack of cashews from her trip to Tallinn. She had noticed that I love cashews, when we were in Prague together. Now I have three packs of cashews, all in one huge bowl, ready to be eaten... Yum!

They say that munching few nuts every day is good for you and I believe in that.