What makes a my kind of man?

Ever since my last break up I've been haunted by romance insecurity.

I've been going slowly nuts, wondering, if I missed a sign somewhere down the line. You know, something which would have told me that it doesn't matter what the guy told me in the beginning, because 3 years on, he's not the same man at all. That I will wake up understanding that pretty much everything I've learned - meaning important stuff such as faith and values -have changed. That he's the same man, but with completely different ideals, dreams and plans. Not that he shared his dreams with me, either.

And that makes me go "Aaaaaaargh!" inside my mind, even now, months on. It makes me wonder my own judgement what comes to romantic entangelments. In the paper, he seemed so nice. In the beginning he seemed so wonderful... then everything changed.

I believe that it was Shakespeare who wrote that 'love isn't love if it alters when it alteration finds', so does it mean that he didn't truly love me? That I got caught up in some illusion which seemed so much like a relationship? I don't know.

But I do know that I'm keen to watch romantic comedies again, more than ever. I watch them now so that I can believe in love again. I feel that I'm ready to love again, but at times, usually during the night when I'm up with pain and have too much to time to think, I wonder if I'll be badly hurt again. That is scary, but still... I want to love, give that huge amount of love I have inside and find someone real, true and honest.

I do wonder that should I forget everything my Love Map tells me to? You know, what comes to age, hair color, education, hight, likes and dislikes and simply relax and go out there, meet new people and just date? Throw my brain into corner and just enjoy the experience of getting to know someone new and see where I'll find myself.

When I was younger, I went for guys with brown/blue eyes and dark brown hair. Then I fell for guys with blue eyes and blond hair. Funny, but the man I dated for nearly 3 years had light brown hair and blue eyes; kind of mix for both, but at least he was tall. So, what do I do know? Should I simply listen to my head, my heart or do just the opposite than what either of them tell me? I just don't know that one. Dating isn't for sissies, relationships aren't for sissies and falling in love is simply crazy. But, naturally, a good kind of crazy.

Loving the man I loved made me a better person, better girlfriend and - as I believe - a better wife-to-be to someone new, because now I know what kind a real, genuine love affair is like. It'll be similar than the beginning was, but nowhere near what it turned out to be like. And I feel that it's one its way to me.

They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive. I believe, similarly, that when single is ready, love will arrive. And I'm ready.

I believe in love

There is so much love out there. I can feel it, I can see it, and although I'm single, I believe in love.

Sure, I might be little bit on caffeine right now (thanks to ch, once again), but I cannot help but feeling grateful for the love. Naturally, in my case, it's sort of universal aura of love, which I feel, but right now... I simply don't care. I believe in love.

(And that Dixie Chicks song with the same title just happends to be playing inside my head right now...)

I refuse to let negative and depressive news get to me. I refuse to let the pain and the lack of sleep to get to me. I concentrade on what's good, kind, joyful, happy and beautiful in this world and love's the "only house" in this world, which seems to contain them all. It's in the moments like this one when I complitely understand that moment in American Beauty when the odd young man tapes that plastic bag and talks about the beauty of the world.

Grateful hearts create more things to graful about. Happy minds create more things to be happy about. And, of course, loving people will have more to love about.

Oh yes, I believe in love.