Isn't it funny how we put others into categories within seconds after meething them?
You know, 'that's a bad boy, she's a good girl...' and so on and never really let these people define themselves to us. Naturally, every now and then life brings together two different people and makes them look at each other and face these boundaries and break them.
Now, it doesn't take long to guess that others place me into 'good girl' category. I suppose they're right. I haven't done anything that bad in my life and I sailed through my teenage years without shouting 'I HATE YOU!' to my parents.
But, perhaps, it would have been better, if I had rebelled... Instead, I kept the anger inside, hated the world inside my head and heart, wallowed in sarcasm and irony and wished that somehow I'd be loved. Well, that didn't happen. I hated confrontations and I was scared every time my mother raised her voice. I dreamed about suicide and wished that one day I could show to those kids who bullied me in scholl that I'm stronger, I'm a survivor.
Now, when I look back at those days, I can talk and write about them without crying. Actually, I can look back like I was recalling somebody else's life. In a way I am, I have changed so much. I am stronger these days.
I know now that it's all about the attitude. I was a tender, emotionally fragile child and those with problems saw that and picked me as their target. If I had had the emotional stregth some others born with, I would have simply said "Fuck off!" and that would have been the end of it. But, naturally, I didn't.
Similarly, when my strong mother critisized me, I closed down and wanted to die instead of telling her exactly what I thought about her "good" advices and tone of voice. If I had been stronger, I would have simply ignored what she said. But no, I was not like that growing up!
I have tried to understand that when did I quit trusting in my own opinions when I was a kid? Was it in third grade? Whas it when I was 5? Earlier? I don't know. I do know that in some point I closed down, suffered alone, and wished that somebody would notice and help me out. Instead, I was bullied in school and at home, and I wanted to vanish.
Perhaps it is weird that I walk down the memory lane and try to figure all these things out. I'm in the stage in which I'm supposed to go through all these things, so that I can look at the future with an open, positive mind. I love myself now, I accept myself now and I've forgiven myself for all the wrongs I've done to myself over the years.
I've decided to embrace the woman I am and be the one I am, at all times. I know it won't be simple and easy always, but I can't ignore myself and my own wishes anymore. I believe that one purpose of CH is to make sure that I take good care of myself. I've spent too many years poisoning my mind and body and it's time to put that into past for good, stand on my own two feet, and welcome the world to see who I really am.
The truth is that I can love others, but I have to be true to just myself (if you know what I mean). Nobody else will be on my side 24/7, just me. I know myself, my ideals, my dreams, my heart's wishes. I have to follow my own road and see where it takes me. I respect others' opinions, but I cannot follow their advices unless my own heart and mind tell me that I should indeed to that. In the end, I'm my own best friend.
