It's so good to be in love!

I know I have not written down a line in such a long time. My fault, I've been busy with my studies, summer cottage duties and simply being happy with the man I've been dating for the past months. And I tell you, it's been heaven on Earth. I honestly had no idea what love was before he walked into my life. Now I know.

Time makes stronger, bolder and happier. It is that simple. I am very different woman than I was a few years ago, and I'm learning, changing and living the life, loving my own skin. And knowing who I am, what I want and what kind of person I want to have it all with, brought a perfect kind of man into my life. He's not perfect, but he is perfect for me. What we have is beyond words. It's something real, true... genuine love.

If someone would walk up to me and ask for advice, I'd say: be who you are, love yourself, know what you want in life and love life in general and that magical relationship will find you. I'd say that, because it happends to be true. That is persicely what happened to me.

BTW: ch update

Those who want to know: my ch cycle 2009 is, in my book, over. That is one brilliant thing to celebrate, right?

Now, we clusterheads all know that the beast does what it does, so once it's gone, it can return any given day or moment. So I shall enjoy every single PF moment, day, week, month - and hopefully - year I'll get.

And, just to annoy the beast, keep energy drinks at my fridge, guarana tabs in my cabinet and caffeine tablets with me at all times, just to be sure.

Here's to a long remission! PF days to us all!

Relax, just date

Last weekend I had the chance to take a nice long walk with a dear friend of mine. Sure, we talked about lots of things during that two-hour walk, but what I've been thinking ever since was the dating and love part of the conversation.

You see, we both are single and looking. We both have been dating guys, yet neither one of us has managed to kick that 'single' - part out of our romantic status. But there is one huge difference between us: she wants to find someone badly, I just date and relax.

I'm not trying to assure you that suddenly, since my last post, I would have found some sort of Rosetta Stone of dating, because I haven't. I just understood that the words I said to my friend are true: I've stopped worrying about it.

It's sort of funny, actually. When I was 25, I was way more worried about finding Mr Right that what I am today. Maybe that certainty comes with knowing myself better... or something. Or, perhaps, knowing one great new guy makes all the difference... Or simply hope and faith in the future do. I don't know, you tell me.

But I have learned that great expectations or pressure are one sure way to wreck any date. So, I put on my make up, put on my dating clothes, put on a genuine smile and go to meet someone with open mind and open heart and see if we have something to build on. You'll never know.

People rarely are just what they say to be on a piece of paper; they are better or worse; you either get along or you don't - only meeting face-to-face will reveal that. After all, come chaps know their way with words online, but others make your heart sing on a date. Picture tells a story about one moment, a date shows you the real thing, the real person, who can be something different (i.e. even better!).

Chemistry is a weird thing. It either is there or it's not. You can't fake it, charm it, pribe it... either you get along like house on fire or you don't. It gets lonely, if only one of you is talking... And sometimes it's hard to tell if the date is going great or not. I once had a great time with one guy, but at the end of it he bluntly said that I wasn't what he was looking for, which was kind of odd, because on the paper I was presicely what he was looking for and the conversation had been wonderful. But, like I said, chemistry is a odd thing.

Still... I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Aguess Spring Time has reached my heart.

What makes a my kind of man?

Ever since my last break up I've been haunted by romance insecurity.

I've been going slowly nuts, wondering, if I missed a sign somewhere down the line. You know, something which would have told me that it doesn't matter what the guy told me in the beginning, because 3 years on, he's not the same man at all. That I will wake up understanding that pretty much everything I've learned - meaning important stuff such as faith and values -have changed. That he's the same man, but with completely different ideals, dreams and plans. Not that he shared his dreams with me, either.

And that makes me go "Aaaaaaargh!" inside my mind, even now, months on. It makes me wonder my own judgement what comes to romantic entangelments. In the paper, he seemed so nice. In the beginning he seemed so wonderful... then everything changed.

I believe that it was Shakespeare who wrote that 'love isn't love if it alters when it alteration finds', so does it mean that he didn't truly love me? That I got caught up in some illusion which seemed so much like a relationship? I don't know.

But I do know that I'm keen to watch romantic comedies again, more than ever. I watch them now so that I can believe in love again. I feel that I'm ready to love again, but at times, usually during the night when I'm up with pain and have too much to time to think, I wonder if I'll be badly hurt again. That is scary, but still... I want to love, give that huge amount of love I have inside and find someone real, true and honest.

I do wonder that should I forget everything my Love Map tells me to? You know, what comes to age, hair color, education, hight, likes and dislikes and simply relax and go out there, meet new people and just date? Throw my brain into corner and just enjoy the experience of getting to know someone new and see where I'll find myself.

When I was younger, I went for guys with brown/blue eyes and dark brown hair. Then I fell for guys with blue eyes and blond hair. Funny, but the man I dated for nearly 3 years had light brown hair and blue eyes; kind of mix for both, but at least he was tall. So, what do I do know? Should I simply listen to my head, my heart or do just the opposite than what either of them tell me? I just don't know that one. Dating isn't for sissies, relationships aren't for sissies and falling in love is simply crazy. But, naturally, a good kind of crazy.

Loving the man I loved made me a better person, better girlfriend and - as I believe - a better wife-to-be to someone new, because now I know what kind a real, genuine love affair is like. It'll be similar than the beginning was, but nowhere near what it turned out to be like. And I feel that it's one its way to me.

They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive. I believe, similarly, that when single is ready, love will arrive. And I'm ready.

I believe in love

There is so much love out there. I can feel it, I can see it, and although I'm single, I believe in love.

Sure, I might be little bit on caffeine right now (thanks to ch, once again), but I cannot help but feeling grateful for the love. Naturally, in my case, it's sort of universal aura of love, which I feel, but right now... I simply don't care. I believe in love.

(And that Dixie Chicks song with the same title just happends to be playing inside my head right now...)

I refuse to let negative and depressive news get to me. I refuse to let the pain and the lack of sleep to get to me. I concentrade on what's good, kind, joyful, happy and beautiful in this world and love's the "only house" in this world, which seems to contain them all. It's in the moments like this one when I complitely understand that moment in American Beauty when the odd young man tapes that plastic bag and talks about the beauty of the world.

Grateful hearts create more things to graful about. Happy minds create more things to be happy about. And, of course, loving people will have more to love about.

Oh yes, I believe in love.

Picture perfect

Don't get carried away, don't get too excited. Don't let your hopes get too high or your imagination run too wild...

Those are just few similar sentences I keep on telling myself. My mind is just the way it is; it usually gets ahead too fast for its own good.

Is it possible to fall for someone you've never met but have seen a picture? If so, then I might be headed that way... I shoudn't have looked, but hey, I'm a journalist by nature, so I'm bloody curious at times! So here I am, hoping for the best, fearing for the worst, and wishing that the Universe can play this time its game smoothy - and, you know, has brought this someone into my thoughts for a reason which is other than simply torture me emotionally for a minute or twenty.

Today I understood how hard it truly is to take a picture of oneself. You see, I took a look at the snaps I had taken about me, by myself. Most of them are... well... unprintable and were deleted as soon as possible. The lighting was off, my look was terrified and I looked white! But, funny enough, in few good ones, my face looked great, I actually looked myself, but the background was dark as a night... My camera is ok, my skills are great, so it must be the Universe working its wonders there! Hah hah...

I've understood that so often we forget that pictures are just that, pictures. They capture one, small moment, and that is all they are. Sure, they will show us happy faces and sad faces and gestures we might otherwise miss. But they are, still, creastions of that second they were taken and show what they want. The person in the picture is that person on that second and should the photographer take another one any minute, they would find that the very same person looks entirely different in that second picture. Or third, twentieth and so on.

And the people we see in pics and fall in like with them... Should we ever meet them in real life, right in front of us, they just might not be exactly like they are in the picture. I've seen that happening more than enough myself, and yes, the woman in my camera's snap shots is me, although even my mom would not recognise me in some of them... That's the way it is.

Nothing is picture perfect in this world, nothing.

Life lessons

Right now I'd scream out loud, but I'm too tired after staying up late last night (again) and shuveling all that snow... but I'll just scream inside. I'm not as frustrated as I was last night, but I still feel like writing a few lines down...

You see, about two seconds after I posted my last entry here, tiny voice inside me said: do not get excited in advance - you only set yourself up for a dissapointment. I did get excited anyway and oh yes, I did get dissapointed, as well.

That friend of mine never called about our meeting, so I didn't see her and all the nice things we had planned just will have to wait. That was dissapointing, because we have such a nice time when we're hanging out. I did clean my closets while I waited, though...

The Oscar nominations... well, I don't know what I was expecting, really. I was hoping for more nominations for Happy-go-lucky I suppose. I was happy for Heath Ledger, Kate Winslet, Anne Hathaway, Penelope Cruz and Mickey Rourke. Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman are always great, too. The rest of the noms... we shall see.

The date... well, let's just say that I'm not taken yet. He was nice quy, but not the my kind of nice. These things happen, and I could tell it after three seconds. We can fool our heads, but we cannot trick our hearts. Well, I certainly can't.

So I take it that God wants me to gather some more dating experience before leading Mr Right my way. Perhaps I need to learn a thing or two before that can happen.

Or perhaps he just wants to protect the world, because this time around ch is making me a bitch! I'm a walking hazard when I'm irritated by the pain. It's weird how some things and some people can push your buttons in the wrong way. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Bit too excited

I'm very, very excited about tomorrow.

I have plenty of reasons to excited, too!

First of all, the Oscar nominations will be (finally!) announced. I tend to get bit too excited about them... Not quite sure why excatly, but I do.

Secondly, I will meet one of my nearest and dearest friends again. That is a great reason to be excited about, I can tell you.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I will meet someone I've been keen on meeting for a quite sometime now. Now, of course, I do not know if tomorrow night I'll be as happy and excited about it than I am this minute, but time will tell.

But I tell you, it's been a while since I've been this excited about something - well, someone. And I like it, I like it alot.

And it feel so great to feel this excited.... =)